Why I'm Worth It

Good Morning!
Don't you love the sunshine? I'm so fully alive today. After this, I am going to go run. And do abs. My scars are SCREAMING every time I move. It's awesome. Who knew that after all those babies and surgeries and time, that they even existed anymore? They are clearly there. We'll find em, don't you worry.

I know all of my irritating traits. And I'll list them for you now, before I remind you why you love me, just to balance the scales a little bit. Okay?

1. I am the most turned around horrible person with directions. I can get lost going somewhere around my house. Don't EVER EVER EVER listen to me when I tell you which way to go. I'll be wrong every time. Every. Single. Time. You would LAUGH if you knew. Even in Tampa, I convinced Cullen to go the wrong way. He argued with me the entire time and after I had to finally admit that I was, again wrong, I asked him why he still listens to me after 14 years of this. And it's because I'm such a bull headed little bitch that at some point he has realized that it's pointless to argue with me. Isn't that sad? I HAVE to stop this. It's WAY past time to start trusting him, especially since a blind person should be more trusted than me when it comes to directions. I vow here and now, before you, to knock it off. And I'm sorry that I'm this way. or that I was that way, rather. ;) Ya'll know your way around and I'll just happily follow.

2. I can't leave the radio on one station. I need to find the next song that feels me. I wear the buttons out, literally. How irritating!!! For real! This one I can't change.

3. I really, really, REALLY work on this one, and will continue to, but I don't usually see my body the "right" way. I can tell you right now that my body is AWESOME. I grew these babies and OH GOD how incredible it is to give birth and feel like moving through you....and I can do just fine without my gall bladder and my uterus and my KIDNEY...my body is incredible. I've earned every inch of me. I've earned every scar, every mark, every anything. I love and honor it. Now let's get me naked, in the light. I can point out every single little thing that is so wrong, so so so wrong. Oh GOD....Oh God...there's so much. The only thing that completely saves me is that I am fully aware that even at a size 1, I still see things that are wrong, and the circle is complete...which brings us back to the fact that I just don't see myself right, so I have to trust the people around me instead. And I win. When people think "she's gained weight" or "wow...little extra there..." I agree with them. Win. If people think "looks good!" I win. Best of all is just not caring what anyone thinks, which 98% of the time I don't. My favorite times are when I'm so lost in the *moment* that I don't care in the least what the rest of me looks like or is doing. So...there. Stupid girl sometimes.

4. I'm overwhelming to some people. I feel so f*cking much in every direction that it's overwhelming to lots of people. They don't know how to reach me when I'm way out there happy, way out there sad, way out there lost. Only a few can.

5. I live in Nickiland. According to most of the people around me, it's an odd little world, ruled by an odd little girl. Sometimes this makes me cry. Sometimes I just don't care.

6. I'm impulsive. When I want something, I go after it. I fail at trying to stop myself sometimes. I don't see roadblocks. I don't worry about my safety. All I see is what I want. I've also heard that this is The Way. This is how to get what you want. All I know is that we should all be thankful for all the rational beings around me, the ones with shields us, shaking their heads, wondering why the hell they are having to make what seems like EASY decisions on my behalf, while I'm running in the middle of a busy road wanting to play a game of risk. :)

Okay, there are lots more. I even just wrote one but I erased it, because I can make this list go on forever and ever. I'm a freakin HUMAN BEING. Good God. Next I'll start listing my "sins" and we'll have a book longer than the bible.
So, on to to why I'm so worth it all anyway.

1. I'm worth it because I believe in magic even though people are jackwagons who keep showing me how the tricks are done. Found out how another one was done this morning and I teared up again. But now I know how to make magic for other people, so all is not lost, right? Kinda of. The magic I believe in are the things that can't be seen. The connections between all of us, the vibrations that send off colors in all directions according to what we're thinking and feeling...the way we are touching other people just by thinking of them. There are no coincidences, not even accidents. We are at cause, one way or another, and no matter what it looks like, it's always for the best. Who the hell can argue with that kind of optimism? Sure, it's irritating, but I'm a hell of a lot more fun to hang out with than someone who only sees the bad. Now, my favorites are the ones who look for places that need some light and we decide to go make something better.

2. I love learning. And I have a very, very special place inside of me for the teachers around me, the people who have the patience to come down to my level and talk to me about things that I don't know about. I am not a closed book, I am open, and I want to understand the things that I don't. I don't understand so many things. I don't understand how politics are productive. I don't understand how arguing about Democrats or Republicans is beneficial. I don't understand how government works, because all I see is a mess, I don't understand how people see beauty in any religion (besides the bottom line being that Love Is All There Is)...I don't know about engineering, or aerodynamics, or ...take your pick. But when someone who Does know something about something comes along and can clear way the mess in my head and help me understand.....oh....it means everything to me. I want to know. Show me. I can help then, I can help with things, if I understand better. There are very few things that I would say you are "wrong" about because I don't believe in wrong. I know you see things differently than I do, and your perspective is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Show me!

3. I love everything, most of the time. And it's a big, big, big, big love. This should probably be number one, because since I think that love cures people and love is all that matters and all there is....it IS everything.

4. I know FUNNY, dammit!!!!!! IMPORTANT!

5. I can see people as they Really Are. In fact, right now, I'm focusing on someone, and I'm thinking about how beautiful they are. How wonderful they are. How amazing their mind is, and how there is an endless depth to their thoughts. I'm sending such a big, big love that I know they feel it even if they don't know where it's coming from, but I bet they suddenly feel like going out and DOING something, feel like enjoying the world, good about life right now. I'm sending love and the fact that they are enough, right now, how they are- MORE than enough, and that the good they have done goes way beyond what they think, what they know. They are blind to the gigantic space they hold in the world, as a matter of fact....but I can see.
Ah, there. Wasn't that awesome? Did you feel it? It's one of my little tricks. I can almost make the sun come out. When it's really, really cloudy, I can move them just enough to get a glimpse. This has never not worked. I know I'm nuts, but as long as I believe I can do it, I can.

6. Most of the time I use my powers for good. :) Thank me later.

7. I let my passions drive me. This absolutely ties into #6 above, but I had to make this list longer than THAT list, and it's the truth. My passions drive me, and so I forge ahead without too much of a second thought. Who can fault me for that? No one. They can try, but I win in the end, because at the end of *this* life, people are going to talk to eachother about me, and do you know what they'll say? "She LIVED! She went for it all the time. Remember when she did______! *shaking head* A little reckless, a lot restless, but she went after what she wanted. AND SHE GOT IT."
;)
That's why it's so hard to make a new years resolution list, ya know? I need to be careful for what I wish for because I rarely DON'T get what I want. Don't worry, I still haven't made a list, and I'm trying desperately hard to focus elsewhere, like on what the kids want. I do need to show them that they are magic and that life isn't "work hard for money, feel like you never have enough, die anyway." I want to show them that it actually couldn't be EASIER to have what they want. But that little thing ...whatever it is...has been gnawing on me....and it's something. I can't see what it is yet, but it's something, oh yes it is. Doesn't this make you wish for me to "fail" or for something really bad to happen to me, just to show me? How DARE me think this way and feel so invincible? It's okay if it does. :) I love you anyway.

There. See? The good is more than the bad. Whew. It was a little bit of a stretch. :D You don't want to see what would happen if I stopped coming up with the things that are irritating about me. :D

The sunshine is awastin'!