140

I think I've talked about this before. The Magic Number of 140. That is the nightmare that I can't find my way out of- the Ideal Weight.
I got that number from a couple of different places. In case you don't remember, I'll tell you again. :)
The first- my mother. I think she'd probably be very sad if she knew how what she said has haunted me. She told me, as I weighed myself one day, that she keeps her weight at 140. If she goes over, she "just" stops eating until it gets back down there. She's a twig. Literally. My dad told her she had chicken legs a million years ago so she stopped wearing shorts. She's a twig. 140. Of course, when I was eating disordered, I made sure to get below that. I got to 120, which for me was a size 1. And of course, I was sure that Happiness and Skinniness was at 119. And then 118, just to be sure and have a buffer from 120. And 117 would be even better, I might be able to actually EAT and not throw up then. You see how evil it is? So gaining weight after treatment was a nightmare. I can start to sweat thinking about it too much. Where my weight hovered when I was not throwing up and not starving myself was 140-145. Gosh, imagine that.
Are you wondering where this came from?
Last night I went swimming with the kids at the hotel. Shouldn't be a big deal, and wouldn't have been. Do you know what my trouble was? 2 things. First- the awful mirrors in the hotel room. They, I SWEAR, make things slightly wider than they are. I saw me. Dislike. But the biggest thing was my mom- she would see me in my swimsuit. All the old nightmares came back. Cullen went to make use of the rockin treadmill there, and then I went in to use it, but it was useless. I ran for 5 minutes, but the internal chatter was so awful that I stopped. "Did you see you? Nothing you're doing is making a difference." "140 is so far away, why are you trying?" "How far do you have to run for her to think you're doing good?" "She probably wonders how hard you're actually trying after seeing you in your suit." "You look pregnant." "No wonder your jeans don't fit."
God.
I can't win against me. And I had been running every day. Today Cullen will HAVE to make me get on there, because my self image is shot to hell. He tried hard last night, reminding me that I'm working out for my kidney and to help my body work well. I don't even care right now.
Sucky.
It isn't ruining my day, but I'm aware that tonight there will likely be tears over it, when my personal trainer tries as hard as he can to know how far and how hard to push me. Poor Cullen.

The thing that IS getting me today is my darling mother in law. We really do have a special relationship. I love her so much...but that isn't what's getting me. She called me last night, and she hates talking on the phone and we talked forever. And one of the things she was telling me was about the day that was horrible (and she admitted it's her water pills, by the way) was that even though in general she is not an emotional person and isn't weepy, she remembers crying (one of the only things she remembers from that nightmarish day). She remembers WHY she was crying too- she was sad for Mike, who was BESIDE HIMSELF. She felt horrible that this is how it was and is going to be for him. :( I acknowledged that that is probably the most emotional thing she has to deal with in this whole thing, is worrying about leaving everyone. Later on, Cullen was saying how much he misses the old her. I started to feel *it* creep up then, but I kept it back. This morning, with babies arriving one after another, it slapped me in the face and GOD I MISS THE OLD HER. I miss being there in the mornings and having coffee and hearing her greet her daycare kids, and how the dynamics changed little by little as each one arrived, and how much I admired her for doing daycare and seeing her in the kitchen, and coming around the corner, and she just can't get up anymore. I miss playing canasta, and her being able to talk without breathing heavy and OHHHH DAMMIT. The good news in all of this is that ....how to say....there isn't going to be a GIGANTIC hit after she passes. There WILL, but we're already mourning the old her....

Damn.

Anyway. Today doesn't feel horrible, it just feels big, and emotional. It's a good day to focus this energy on loving someone. Maybe I'll send Jane another love letter.
And I have babies to smooch on.
sigh