I've got a grip

I realized what it was that made me feel badly yesterday about my talk with Barb. It was when she mentioned that the meds are "so good" now that her friend received a kidney from someone they were incompatible with....it made me feel like I was "suposed" to check with everyone I know to see if anyone needed it first, before just "jumping in" and donating to a "complete stranger". THAT'S what bothered me.

In the end, there is nothing wrong with my decision- I know that. I have always said that it would be harder for me to donate to someone I know, and that is still true, but when I see me from Barb's perspective...or what I PERCEIVE to be her perspective (tricky, tricky!)- I think to myself "Man, that chance came awfully close, which I would have known and would have had a chance..." But again- that is ME putting that on her, which may not be true, and even if it is, like one of my friends reminded me...we pass by people every day who have cancer, kidney disease or what have you and we are not aware of it. I will only make myself crazy if I focus on that.

I can, however, focus on awareness. People can be made aware of what is possible.

The other thing that hit me as I was crying my way home from work yesterday is this..well, I'll have to take you along for the Crazy Ride Into My Head. Buckle up, you've been warned. MFVP said yesterday, after I said "I am so impressed by those other 4 donors who were willing to donate to someone they didn't know once their family member or friend was matched!" and he said "well, yeah...but it takes someone to push them over the edge." And that resonated with me because THAT is what I feel like I spend time doing. Doing things that "most normal" people don't want to or don't "think" they CAN do. Shaving my head- I'm a GIRL. I will never forget my brother in law telling me that I CAN'T do that because I'm FEMALE. LIKE HELL I CAN'T! I can, and I will, and I did. BITE ME.
Anyway, then I felt sad because I felt like I've reached the limit on being able to be effective for something- which I KNOW is UNTRUE. I know that, but I felt suddenly like I reached the max for being able to do SOMETHING that makes a difference. This is where the A HA! moment comes in...

EVERYTHING makes a difference. EVERYTHING! The food drives, the breakfast for homeless people, blood drives for birthday parties. it ALL counts. It ALL leaves a mark, it ALL makes waves...paying for the person's lunch behind me secretly...it ALL COUNTS. ALL OF IT. ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
So I don't need to feel badly. At all. I still have the power to make something better for someone.
Probably sounds like a DUH thing, but it made me feel better. Yes, I just wasted 2 minutes of your time to tell you that.

My bad. :D