Okay- there is a big difference between the two, and I'm finding one elusive and one irritating.
First, I have to tell you about Julia. She is the most self possessed child I've ever known, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She knows Who She Is. I could probably write you a book about how awesome she is. She is fully aware of how she feels, what she likes, etc. You should see her run. Or even walk- when she puts on her Tink hat, and she walks- she walks with purpose and attitude, without meaning to and it's beautiful to see. I am in awe of my 6 year old.
While I have known exactly who I am even as a very young child, that's where that ended for me. On the outside I have always felt like I am missing something, forgetting something, unaware of something I should be aware of, that everyone else already is. ALWAYS. Always sure the joke was on me, and often it was. People who know me well (vs just "know me") know they can pull a funny on me at any time because I will believe almost anything. I have been self CONSCIOUS my entire life, and uncomfortably so. Being self possessed has never happened for me, the way it has naturally happened for Julia. Sure, I'm headstrong, determined, lack the fear that most people seem to have of ...things and people... but I feel like I live on a different planet, and that I've missed all the major bulletins that have gone out to the rest of human kind.
But I'm noticing more and more self obsessed people around, and that's a huge turn off. This is trickier to explain. Here's what I don't like, even though I'm sure some could argue that I share this same trait: LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! I'M BRILLIANT AND SMART AND I KNOW *THE WAY*, LOOK AT ME!
Here is one thing I know about true masters: they would never claim that their" way" is the "right" way, only that theirs is another way. I have found out that I greatly dislike being told anything about my own journey. This is MY journey and no one on the planet can tell me anything about it- that whatever I'm "searching" for is out of reach permanently, that I will never get to "there" (wherever I think my journey is heading) or that I have to think or feel the same as they do in order to be more *enlightened*. Gross. BIG dislike.
I also have recently found out that I dislike it when someone's life is entirely wrapped up in themselves. I suppose to some point that's all of us, right? We need to eat, we get haircuts, we buy makeup, we workout, we buy clothes. I just don't know if I can find the words to properly describe this. I dislike "I am so special, you should watch me, be in awe, and if you're lucky, you'll be inspired enough by my coolness to try to be as cool yourself." That's gross. I've stumbled upon some blogs of people who write well, but come across in this way that is a real turn off. That kinda goes with the first thing- people who think they are so much futher ahead of anyone else---well- yuck.
Also, people who can't get over themselves in order to parent gross me out. The dad that can't change a effing diaper because he gags...is that one unfair? It seems to me that he should get the hell over it and take care of his child. Man the hell UP. It's easy for me to say these things though, isn't it? Because I'm not overly affected by anything and can manage to take care of whatever needs taking care of. I carry my share, and am happy to carry more if and when needed. I don't find myself to be emotionally demanding or needy, so it's easy to look around and recognize things that I am NOT, be it good, bad, pretty or ugly. I don't know- I blog because my head would explode if I didn't get it out. Maybe *I* sound as awful as the blogs I've been reading?! Maybe *I* sound as self obsessed? I very well could.
Anyway, I feel another round of defriending coming up. This might just be "hormones" (again, you truly can't tell how overrun I'm being by them right now) but I feel irritated by the people on my friend list that I don't talk to or check up on. I feel irritated by the people that I do check up on, but only get further irritated when i hear their status updates or whatever. Where is a small dog I can kick? <---just kidding. I love animals.
Can anyone think of a good reason why I shouldn't go find an elephant to pet, feed, wash? Me either.
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