I've got my boxing gloves on today. Ever had one of those days? I woke up at 4:09am, needed to pee, and then thought Too Much. I got my head to shut up just in time for the alarm clock to go off. I'm ready to box.
I wonder if there is anyone around me who knows me well enough to deal with it in a manner that is appropriate. Doubt it.
So instead I'll launch into my other favorite subject: the way we all lie to ourselves and eachother. This is NOT actually my favorite subject- I prefer to look at it from the other angle- that we are all free to make any choice we want at all moments. But we're not. Back to marriage.
Here are where some of the ultimate lies lie. We ask questions that require a lie. Things such as "Do you wish to be with anyone else?" And the only answer allowed is NO, unless you're looking for a breakup/divorce/fight. But I promise you that at some point in your life, you will be with one person and wishing you could also be with , or instead be with, another. It's true. I see you all nodding and acknowledging that. At the very, very least, at some point you'll kinda not want to be with the person you married. Even if it's for a minute. And if they ask you if you've ever felt that way, you will probably say no and deny that feeling. Even though they've also felt it. Then there's another good one: No One Will Ever Love You The Way I Love You. This is true in ONE sense- in the sense that each of us is different and feels things differently, has different perspectives etc. In that way, it's true. I don't love any of my children in the same way, and I don't love any of my friends in the same way, other than the bigness of it. However, it does not mean that we are unlovable by the rest of the world. Not at all. It's a possessive feeling lie, and I don't like it. Our lies, and THIS is why the divorce rate is so high. People figure out that they lied. As the lies begin to come out----these little lies that we tell ourselves and eachother so that we can "stay".....it breaks us down. Society has taught us that we are to love ONE PERSON, and ONE PERSON ONLY and religion tells us that we are not to even THINK of another person in "that" way. Well, all the porn stars and watchers are going to hell, as is anyone who has read a halfway decent book that has a romance in it, or seen a movie that rings true with us...and on and on it goes. Who the hell has sex with someone and only thinks of that person?! Cullen lies to me regularly about this. He doesn't need to. I think I see humans more clearly than a lot of people, but he insists on lying about it. And he is the ultimate asker of questions that require lies. He has had to accept one truth about me: You can't make me stop loving the world or the people in it. His retort to this is that obviously then, he loves me more than I love him, and that's just as irritating as any other lie that we tell ourselves and one another. So, here's some truth, just for you, since I'm not allowed to let it out anywhere else.
I love Cullen.
I don't always want to have sex.
Sometimes, I do have to hide in my head til it's over, because I really don't want to be doing it but he is requiring it (not my raping me, but by being so frekaing touchy feely needy that I need to do it so he can be "normal" again)
I know he has fantasies. This doesn't bother me.
I do too.
I believe that loving other people in no way takes away from loving him. My love for CJ is no less because I love Josh. And Julia. And Jordan.
If we all had the proper self esteem we could handle the idea that we can love friends and others and stay intact, and maybe even better in the relationship we're in.
I don't think our divorce rate will ever get better. Someday it has a chance if people can stop demanding things from one another. The expectations are impossible to keep up forever. In general, we shouldn't need another person. We should be whole on our own, and be able to be wholly ourselves(ideally) with whoever we choose to land with. Is that even possible? To be completely ourselves with someone? Not unconditionally. That's a little bit sucky, isn't it?
Interesting. To me, anyway. People get older and say they "grew apart" and all that really happened was they started being honest about some things and decided that they didn't want to walk together anymore.
Another point for the Stupid World column, I'm afraid.
That's not what I'm ready to box over, by the way. But you know how I get, all righteous and stuff, when I'm like this. I'm ready for someone to challenge me. Bring it!
I would take it a step further and say that sometimes parents have to feel more love for one kid over another. They say they don't- that they just love each one "differently". But I call BS on that. I think it's one of those things that we lie about so we don't make a child feel bad.
ReplyDeleteI don't think about other people when my husband and I have sex. I used to. So did he. We actually stopped, I can't be in his head but I feel confident enough to say we both stopped after we honestly "found" God.
As for people going to hell who have ever thought of another person or watched porn... nah. I don't think it's good to think of another. It can get out of control. People have a tendency to stray and letting your sexual emotions go in that direction don't help. There is nothing wrong with having control over your thoughts and body. It's called being selfless. Porn makes you want more and more deviant sex. Eventually, regular sex isn't enough. There has to be another man, another woman, an orgy, anal sex, bondage. When it it ever enough? Then again, that reflects in your sex life. You will want more variety. It's creates an unsatisfied hunger until you satisfy it and then tire of that and have to move on to more "interesting" sex. It causes jealousy, especially if you or your spouse begins thinking of other real life, close to you people. And that can lead to possibly fulfilling those fantasies.
So, I don't think thinking of another or watching porn will lead to hell, nor do I believe in hell, but I think those things can lead to a lot of unpleasant things.
Yes, I agree. I was being completely sarcastic. (<--- one of my finer points, haha):) I don't believe that God cares one way or another about most of the things that religion teaches us he does, so I was saying that we're all doomed for not doing the "right" things.
ReplyDeleteI think that we're made to feel guilty about things that we don't need to feel guilty over at all. My selflessness comes out in other ways.
Porn is no different than alcohol to me. Some is probably okay (I don't watch it, but I don't care that people do)- but if it's an everyday thing, or a NEED IT thing, then there's probably something not good about it. I don't expect my teenage boys to figure out how to control the insane amounts of hormones in them- I expect that they will have plenty of alone time in their room or the bathroom taking care of it, and that doesn't bother me in the least. MUCH better that than finding some girl that will take care of it.
I'm examining my feelings for the kids. I don't have any one child who is more trouble than another, and so far I can't find a feeling that feel stronger than another. But they each have different traits that I really admire, and because each is unique, they require different things from me. Interesting!