Jupiter

I'm still out in orbit somewhere, with precious few people that dare to visit that don't make me burst into tears or want to rip my (their) hair out in frustration.
Sigh.
This stupid ass cycle can't last forever, can it?

I did, however, enjoy a few REALLY GOOD HOURS last night, and that was the first time in DAYS that I got any hours that weren't full of tears. I don't think you fully understand what a struggle it is to live right now, do you? We dropped the kids off at CULLENS PARENTS and met Rick and Tina out for dinner and it was awesome. Then they came over. I hadn't felt close to normal in days and days, so that was nice. Too bad I couldn't get it to last into today.
And no, I won't go on medication. I'm very sorry, but it's not for me. It is, apparently, for 95% of the Western world, but not me. This happens to me once in a blue moon when I have cysts and then go through the 2nd half of my cycle. What's really sad and pathetic to me is this---about 5 years ago I got hit this hard, and I was dying. Jordan was an infant, Julia was 2, Josh 3 and CJ 5. I was DYING. I called the nurse and left a message which said "I'm not going to survive this month's PMS round. Don't want anti depressants, I don't need something all the time, I'm wondering if there is anything out there for once every 8 months, or 3 years or whatever." She called back and said this "The dr called a rx for Selexa (ANTI DEPRESSANT!!) for you. It's ready to be picked up. It's the lowest dosage possible. Take one a day." I asked her if that was just til my cycle started again and she said "He recommends staying on it all month long."
Really, ruckheads? No.
So I already have proof that I can get on meds without even being seen, I can get on probably anything if I call and say the right thing. That's nuts! I don't want to be on something I will need to "wean" off of and face it: our bodies will put up with a hell of a lot of synthetic drugs, and I just don't want to do that to my body. We put enough shit in them all the time. I looked out for my body that way before, and I'll do so even more now.
I'll keep trying to nutritionally save myself. My caffeine headache is gone (day 3), but my give a damn about anyone or anything is still out to lunch too.
Cullen is a saint a million times over and I would bet a trillion dollars that no one else on the face of this earth could deal with the never ending tears that have been in our house lately. He remembers now, too, how it used to be years ago.
Anyway- here's hoping I'm on the downhill slide. And that these rucking cysts will dissipate soon so I don't have another PMS ride like this one next month. This makes being dizzy and pukey feeling seem like a ride on a vicodin cloud.
Cheers! ;)