Yesterday Cullen and I went out to dinner and I dared to approach the subject so sore to me, and I was nervous because no matter how nicely I tried to express things, he was getting more and more agitated. He wouldn't even eat any of the dessert. But some of the things that came out were really GOOD and IMPORTANT. Like how much he worries about me all the time, and how much it stresses him out when I have surgery, but that this has been my dream for so long...I wanted to be a surrogate and couldn't, and he understands that I need to do this, but wishes I would wait. That makes all the sense in the world. But for me, it's like having babies...being pregnant for 5 years was plenty for me. I wanted to do it all at once and be done and not keep being pregnant for even more years. That's just me. I want to have this surgery and be all done with it so I can stop having surgery and maybe I will find ONE thing that I'm passionate about and I can focus on. That was the first time that he showed ANYTHING about it. The first time he's told me that he's scared every time I have surgery. He also told me how hard it was for him to see me in pain and not be able to do anything to help me after the hyst. That makes sense too, and I'm glad I know it. I apologized for openly telling him how I felt when he asked me. I'll have to be more careful next time. He also told me that he is very sorry but he can't be as excited as I am about this because it isn't HIS dream, it's mine. He said he knows that he it's hard for me when people aren't as excited as I am about a thing but that he's as far as he's going to get with it. That's his truth and I have no right to feel any way in particular over it, I guess, but he's totally right, I always want people to to as excited as I am about a food, a song, any one little thing, and I always learn that that isn't how things work. It sucks when it's my husband. He likened it to his running, and how I'm not as passionate about running as he is (I DID run 2 miles yesterday, by the way, and I'll do it again today!). I guess I see this as a one time short term thing, whereas his is a lifestyle, and one that I do support, but I guess I see what he's saying. So, the cheese stands alone, and it's okay. I have love and support from my sister, and some friends and that's all I need. The love I have in my heart for what I want to do, and for the people that it could affect is plenty!
However, last night I went to bed feeling desperately alone and sad and I felt lost and lonely and like the sun was gone. I felt cold and so far away from everyone. I must have had a brilliant sleep last night because even when I woke up to pee at 3am I realized that I felt peace and connected and better. Sleep is magical! I must have flown straight out of my body and went and boo hooed on God Herself's lap, that's how much better I feel now. I feel calm and quiet and complete. WHEW.
Today Cullen's going to take all 4 to a movie (he's crazy) and I may get to see Allyssa (therapist disguised as friend), or I may finish cleaning stuff up. Or I may nap. I AM going to go run later. I am totally going to use the next 2 months to train for this surgery, should I get to do it, so that recovery won't suck as much. Absolutely EVERY SINGLE person that is a fitness buff flies through recovery. I read story after story of hysterectomies, and the girls that work out and eat well had so much less pain and time recovering, and the same with kidney donors. I'm DOING THIS!
If you could hear how loud the Jonas Brothers are turned up in my face right now (dance party, Payten is over) you'd feel a little sorry for me.
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