HAHA!
Isn't it interesting how as humans, we tend to take a thing- someone else's thing, and make it about us somehow? I saw it happen when I wanted to be a surrogate, and I'm sure my surrogate friends have seen it happen over and over...you tell someone you're going to be a surrogate and you immediately get responses like "I could never do that!" or "I have always wanted to do that!" or "I can't do that because of _____." And it's fine. That must be how we are wired. It's fine, it's just interesting.
I have loved some of the discussions I've had with the few people who are anti-kidney donation. My aunt did a wonderful job of pointing out that if she didn't know me and love me, she would be saying "That is the coolest thing in the whole wide world, that that person did that for someone else!" It's just that it's me.
I've had other discussions where people are almost offended that I would dare do something like this. They are in disbelief that I could be in a different place than they are, as a parent, as a human. They can't relate at all.
Others have dared to suggest that this is just another ploy for attention. *eyeroll*. There's NO easier way to get attention than doing this. I must be simply DESPERATE, right? HA!
I've had lots of practice reacting with love instead of the F--- YOU that I'm screaming inside my head. Because I don't need the support or understanding. I have it from the person (Cullen) that I NEED it from in order to do this. Anyone else is just a ginormous bonus to me, and let me tell you- I have some of the all time bestest friends in the world! And let's be clear about what i"m calling support, shall we? Because I don't mean applause and cheering. I would consider NOT BEING ATTACKED support. I'm totally good with someone not wanting me to do it, but still loving and supporting me. That's my aunt, right there. I'm not sure I can buy hearing "I respect your convictions" along with attacks on my character and insinuations that I am not a good mother. Who needs THAT kind of "support" ? Perhaps the people who really struggle are struggling with something inside of themselves? Maybe this challenges them in ways they can't overcome? How WOULD one feel if I do this, and then my one kidney fails? Let's say I get KIDNEY CANCER of all things? Can you sympathize? Or are you singing in your head "We told you so! Idiot. We told you!" Maybe it's hard knowing that you would sing that in your head? Maybe it doesn't feel good knowing that?
I know that not everyone is where I am. We all have choices about how we react to things, but some people won't see that. I learned a hard lesson after that Mexico miscarriage. Sitting in the birthing classes with Mandy, who was pregnant by a drug dealer. I looked around the room, and realized that I didn't know anyone else's story. Sure I'd just miscarried a 14 week pregnancy, my second miscarriage, but I had no idea if some of the girls in there had been through IVF. Maybe they'd miscarried before too? How could I judge someone else when I couldn't even see their past? I had no idea what brought them there, anymore than any of them would have looked at me and known that 2 weeks prior, I was in a Mexican hospital, watching my baby dance around on the ultrasound machine, and only hours later the water broke and it was game over. So I've become fairly practiced at stepping back and not judging- too harshly. Golf will never be the same for me, but I ache and hurt for Tiger because I'm sure he struggles to live with himself right now. I want to be AWESOME at it.
And I want the same treatment. I know that won't happen in every case. One of my darling besties is doing it. This is something she wouldn't do, but she stepped away from herself, not making it about her, and is cheering me on! It is SO MUCH FUN when someone wants to talk to me about it. I'm kind of a wimp and I don't look forward to the head shaking, "Nicki, Nicki, Nicki" that I usually get, so I just don't talk about it too much, unless it's with a "safe" person.
I don't know how I'll tell my friends at work. Part of me wants to email them one at a time, but then it's having the discussion over and over and over and over, instead of one time. I can see D's face like he's sitting in front of me. I can hear him. SIGH.
Today I started and email to A, but I said screw it.
They'll find out sooner or later. But not today! It won't change a thing in their life anyhoo.
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