What Will I do?

MFJ (stands for My Favorite Jamie) asked me a very important question tonight, one that I really need to hold on to and think about.
She asked me what I am going to do if I get told no about the kidney.
Did I tell you my dream last night?
I was told no.
And I was torn, as Linda was explaining why they said no to me, what my numbers indicated and what it would mean for me, I was torn between laughing in disbelief and trying not to cry.
I woke myself up, with tears on my cheeks and total relief that it wasn't real.
It was "just" a dream.
Did I tell you about when I dreamed I'd go into the 5th floor potty and find blood, and have a miscarriage, and the next day it happened?
Therefore, although I am mostly convinced that I am going to get to do it, and really there is no reason that I couldn't...what IF.
It's going to send me for a tailspin.
There is nothing suckier than being in a tailspin with 4 kids and a full time job to stay composed for.
I hated when it happened with the surrogacy. I had 6 kids at the time...my surrogate friend was having her transfer done, so I had her kiddos over...and the phone rang, and it was Kim, who has the horrid job of telling surrogates bad news.
I was so sad, I couldn't stop crying.
Then the knock came on the door. A realtor with clients to see the house which hadn't been cleaned because no one had called. 6 kids, a broken heart, and a realtor with clients.
I'm not kidding when i say that this was all within 5 minutes of me hanging up the phone with Kim.
So I pulled the kids out of the house, apologizing for the mayhem they were about to see, and we walked around the block while I wiped tears off my face on the back of my sleeve every so often.
It took me a little while to get over that. I don't know how I did start to move past it. But I do know that nothing keeps me down for too long. I'm not built that way. That's the good news.
But what WILL I do?
MFJ suggested I become a serial blood donater, which I could totally do. I could do plasma or platelets or whatever is a couple of times a week. Yes. If this doesn't work out, I'll do that and then I'll find another project that grabs me.
Hopefully I'll just GET TO. That will save all of us from...me. Kinda. : )
I'm still a Lucy Wench Wife. Ask MFJ how mean I am to Cullen when I'm crabby. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! : ) It's all good. Eventually my mind will find a way to stop being so irritated.
I drank a beer today. Now I'm snoozy.
I have to say that I make some kick ass smoothies, ya'll!
Stupid football. Someday I'll tell you why I hate football so much. I can tolerate it when I'm watching it with normal people who don't act like their lives depend on the outcome, but I feel disgusted watching it with Cullen or anyone else who is terribly emotionally involved in it.
I miss the cabin in the warm summer, the lazy days, the water, the daydreams that never end. I miss the sunshine, making the trees super green and the water look super blue. I miss the backyard a million years ago when we would lay back there and watch the clouds and the trees were only 5 feet tall. I miss being a young girl and dreaming about all the possibilities that lay ahead of me. I miss dreaming of my prince charming and anxiously awaiting the time when I'd be courted and dated and someone would be trying to impress me....when i was more important than a football game or a remote or the laundry that didn't get done. I miss that so terribly sometimes. And I'm dumb enough to keep trying. To make the cheese dip (I did that mostly for MFJ and Chuck and me though, I admit), finish every last bit of laundry, clean the house- again..... I don't know why I'm doing that.
I LOVE MY NEIGHBORS!
I can't wait til it's light out past 5:30pm again.
I want to show my kids the desert.
I want to show my kids how salty the ocean is. and how clear.
I want to show my kids what "hungry" really looks like.
I want to show my kids what a difference love can make.
I want to go eat the rest of the Lee Ann Chin. : ) That one I'll do right this second.
TTFN!