You knew it was coming!

Or maybe you didn't, but it's all or nothing in Nickiland, and this one is going to purge me clean like I haven't pooped in a month. Ready? I'll give you a moment to clear your schedule for the next 20 minutes. 15 if you read really fast. :P

The dust from the sonic boom has settled, mostly now, I'm happy to say. The sonic boom was caused in part by moi, and in part by Cullen and his insane work schedule. We'll discuss Cullen's part first.

He has insisted on working 2 jobs, no matter what the hours are because we were in quite a hole for awhile, caused by his quitting his job a few years back. He did side jobs, but the biggest side job he did was for his BROTHER, and while his brother paid him, he absolutely did not make what he would have made still working his construction job. Very slowly, over the course of 2 years, we ran straight out of money. It's a little bit amazing that we made it at all, but we somehow did. I promise you, chances are pretty good that you haven't seen broke the way we saw it. I think we even borrowed money for gas and diapers. We grocery shopped at his mom's house to get us by. It was bad.
But we learned SO MUCH. Money is NOT everything. My children got to have time with their dad like other kids just don't get. It was NOT fun, and it was extremely stressful, on our relationship as well as just in general. Ever come home and have your electicity turned off? Sucks.
So he went back to Fed Ex, which he loves. And then our neighbor got him a job in the school district, which is union. The only "problem" was that it is 2nd shift. I can't tell you how many people have said the same thing: that out of the 3 shifts, 2nd shift is the biggest nightmare, esp if you have children involved. It's an even bigger nightmare when you work a 2nd job with more messed up hours, like from 4am to 8am.
But we did it. Because he wanted to help fix what was broken, and make it better. He also started taking care of himself at that time. He started running. Stopped chewing/smoking/drinking himself into oblivion nightly. This was very, very good.
What isn't good is that Cullen missed us, the way that we missed him. I felt the pressure almost immediately, as I was on duty from sun up til sun down like a single parent, and on top of that, I was to support my husband in his insane efforts. Life quickly began revolving around getting him enough sleep, making him lunch, keeping his clothes clean and ready to go. On top of working from home, and taking care of the kids and house.
THANK GOD for facebook. Cullen would feel differently, I'm sure, and in general, we all call facebook "F*cking Facebook" because it seems that more trouble or nonsense comes of it than anything. And we can't decide what the point of it in general is. Anyway, it saved me. I left my mommy online group, which was hard on me (but okay, I was no longer having trouble getting pregnant or even having babies) and most of my friends from there were on facebook. I reconnected with old friends and made new friends. Cullen didn't like this from the beginning.
I have been in an abusive type relationship before. I say that so that you'll know that what I'm going to say about Cullen is COMPLETELY different from any abusive relationship. Cullen is my polar opposite as far as being jealous goes. I am not jealous, generally speaking. Of course, I've never really had a situation come up that would make me feel that way. Cullen, on the other hand is quite jealous. He works on this all the time, and he's actually done really well. When I think back to before we were married, and how happy hours were with the people from my work, he's done EXTREMELY well. He keeps it inside, mostly, and tries to be rational.
Over the past few months- 6? he has started having a harder and harder time with ...everything. He started to get upset when Angie would call and I'd answer and talk to her when he was home. His rationale was that he is barely ever here and when he is, my attention should be solely on him. While I understand somewhat, that's also a little bit crazy. I work with Angie and I have a responsibility to work AND her. And honestly, I should be "allowed" to answer the phone whenever it rings if I want or need to.
Then it extended to Allyssa, too. He was "happy" when I'd go out to see her, but I'd hear about it later. Being me couldn't be "that" hard, after all, I'd gotten to go out with Allyssa and get some "me" time. And let's not forget all the "me" time I have every single night of the week, and Saturday mornings. I have all the time in the world. I should be refreshed and recharged and renewed, right? That's how he felt.
And in general, that works. I could clean up- sometimes I didn't because after doing that ALL DAY LONG, at some point, I just want to be DONE. I could make the kids' lunches and do laundry and on and on and on. Read? Watch TV? Play on the puter? His perception was that he was missing out on EVERYTHING (he was) and I had it "made"- which I didn't. If I wanted to be a single parent, I would be a single parent. We discussed how much his hours sucked, and he'd tell me that in another year or two, he'd be on first shift. It would make me feel sad and sick, but again, you just do what you have to do.
Then a few months ago, he started getting MORE nuts about me and the "Nicki World" that I live in and how he isn't a part of it. You've read those blogs. There was nothing in the whole world more frustrating to hear coming from him. He really felt like I really had it made and was slacking, when in truth, I was reaching the end of my rope too. But he wouldn't hear that.
Mind you- we have a blast when we're together. I stay up at night waiting for him, and we laugh and have fun hanging out> But I get him for 30 minutes a day, and a full plate for the entire day and night before that.
So, the sonic boom came. My part in it is that I did not share my entire life with him while he was away. I didn't trust him, because I knew there were parts that he wouldn't like, and he has been so insecure anyway. He sometimes comes home from work with the Cullen frown on, and he's a little distant and far away and says it's been a "hard" night- meaning he had all sorts of horrible things running through his mind about me. It's not fun to be me that way, and be the recipient of that. So I left things out.
Not anymore. :)
BOOM!

This has been a very, very good thing, in the end. I wondered if anything would ever be or feel the same. I wondered if I was doomed for the rest of my life to have him looking at me with the Cullen frown. He struggles. I LOVE EVERYONE, and I LOVE EVREYONE BIG, and I'm open about how I feel. He says that he feels as big as I feel for everyone, for me. Whereas I love the world, he just loves me. I'm not sure that that is entirely healthy- and it's where our struggle sits. Me trying to get him to understand that I can love everyone in my life, and still hold him up and above all others, while he sees no one the way that he sees me, or even close. He does not feel like "I LOVE EVERYONE! I LOVE EVERYTHING! LOOK AT THE PRETTY SKY! *HAPPY TEARS*" the way that I do. He says that the way I feel about wanting to throw my arms around the world and hug it is the way that he feels about me. And he does- if you know Cullen, you know that he brings me coffee and food and it shows that he is always thinking of me. We have a wonderful love life and I don't get sick of being around him.
What did we learn?
Which of us is learning more?
Cullen is convinced that money is not worth sacraficing anymore time away from his kids or me. Daytime hours start this Friday but he is not planning on going back to night hours when school starts again. No matter what that means- a different job? Whatever it is, he's done with nights. Isn't that wonderful? And scary? He's scared, nervous and excited.
Me too.
I've also decided where I want to be. I don't want to be in the office, sending my kids away every day. I want to be with my kids. I want to be home. I want to be running the house. I want to be with KIDS period. I have never once gotten the chance to take care of kids without having to juggle work at the same time. Do you konw how stressful that's been? Knowing that if I'm paying attention to the kids, that I'm not doing what I should be doing at work? The past 6 months or so have been a painful slide downhill, workwise. That's so much better now that I'm in the office, but that's not where I want to be. I'm taking steps to get home. Maybe by time school starts again? I'm working on it.
Totally scary, and exciting.
Is life seriously about working so we can live? Isn't it about living, period? I will never in my life believe that money is the #1 thing in this life. It just isn't! I think we can have money. We can make money. It IS possible to make money doing something you love doing, it's having the guts to DO THAT. We just grew us some guts.
Do you think my kids are going to be wrecked if I never get TV back? I just watched some totally horrible show on pbt about TOXIC CHILDHOOD- all about how much crap we're putting in our kids' bodies and then my fave Dr. Wayne Dyer came on and mentioned how many images of violence our children see by time they are 12. It was sick. I started thinking about the cabin and how we just don't watch TV when we're there. Of course, there's the lake to play in, games outside, bonfires, lawn mower rides and all of that- which would all get old at some point, right? But still. Even now, they watch way less TV. Is that going to damage them? Are they missing out on anything? Will they run to friends' house to watch TV every chance they get? OH GOD how I miss the food channel and Whose Line Is It Anyway, and The Locator and I could probably go on and on, but now I DO spend all night long cleaning. It's EXTRA lonely now, because if I sit, it's practically in silence and Cullen's absence is even louder- but it's just for another few days.
What do people do after work together? Is it fun for them or are they in routines? Do they pack a dinner and go take a walk somewhere beautiful? Do they go out and garden together? Pull weeds together? Let the kids help plant flowers? Am I lucky in that one way that he is never home for 9 months of the year because we don't waste time when he is home????? But I want him home at night, every night. I'd be so grateful and thankful to have my friend home with me and to not feel like I'm doing everything by myself, while he's out making money and doing the best he can around here so that I won't feel like I'm doing it all by myself. The pissing contest can stop.
For now, knowing that he's got days left before he's on days, we have made plans, big plans....to get info about what he will be doing when summer is over, same for me, and a promise to slow. it. down. In my need for big people, and friends, and company, I usually surround myself with them during the weekends. And surround him with them, too. He has fun, but he wishes for some quiet weekends now. Quiet weekends nursing the most intense relationship one can have- a marriage. An attempt to run a life together, a life consisting of different people with different feelings and different personalities, different needs and likes and dislikes. This shit ain't for wusses, ya'll! Might sound like a fun challenge, but there is nothing in the world like this challenge. Worth it, for sure. Harder than pushing a watermelon out of a vagina? 4 times? Way.

There. I think I got my book out. He doesn't want this "feeling" to go away- the feeling of a new vision, of actually moving forward instead of merely trying to get by and dealing with the situation of his jobs, of being together and steering this ship somewhere beautiful TOGETHER. Will it? Will we find a "new" routine again? Probably, right? But things weren't bad before, other than his meltdowns about being away suffocating me a little bit. Together, we're great! Can I trust him with things that I know will make him uncomfortable? Is that my issue or his? Will anything else make him uncomfortable? He does honestly know me- CLEARLY. I wish you could hear him sometimes. I don't even need to talk. He just looks at me and calls out what he sees. Will he trust me to trust him? Will he stop asking me if I'm really happy being here after 2 years of him being gone so much? Will he see that I've always been where I want to be? And that I do love him, bigger than I love anyone or anything else? Even more than a kidney surgery?

I should have a date for that this week. YAY!

Okay, book off. Thanks for listening.