I'm like a regular now

I must really think I'm going to donate a kidney because when I see that it's the U calling, it seems more normal. Okay- last Friday I was IN LIVING COLOR when they called because it meant I was no longer in the cooling off period.
Yesterday Cullen and I were tahking and he sais "I'm sorry babe, but we are not paying for flights and a hotel so that we can go to someone else and you can donate a kidney." Well, of course it makes sense not to do that. That's why the national grant is out there. But for whatever reason, with the national grant, they take the recipients financial situation into consideration, I guess. I have no idea why. It's easy for us to qualify since there are 6 of us in this household....Dawn agreed that it doesn't make sense but mentioned that up til a couple of years ago there were no grants available...which is true. They are paving the way for this thing and it'll take time.
But the most exciting news was that I wouldn't be travelling far at all, if at all. It'd be WI, SD, ND or here. So no big. And there's a $1,000 grant available through the U which is much easier to obtain. AND she also said that if I'm matched and we do not want to go to the recipient, they can request for the surgery to be done here and they'd fly my kidney to where it needs to go. I think I'd prefer to be where the recipient is though...it just has to be better to get yanked from me and plopped into them in as little time as possible. :D Enough vicodin would kill any pain on the way home, right??? :)
Do you think it'll actually happen? I mean, I got shot down TWO TIMES trying to be a surrogate. Well, not ME, but my want of being a surrogate. So then I pick this, and after- AFTER I pick this, and research it, and watch Cullen's uncle die waiting...my uterus (best surgery EVER!)...then the gallbladder. So sometimes it seemed like it was never really going to happen. My favorite ever (I've said it before, sorry) is imagining waking up from the kidney surgery and knowing that it has actually really truly finally happened! Won't that be the best??
I got an email today that reminded me how glad I am that I don't know who I'm donating to. Nel had taught at Richfield for so long that Rose, who is 10 years older than I am, had her in grade school, and then Michelle had her too. We still have a globe that she gave to Rose ....35 years ago? Isn't that amazing? Nel will be on dialysis this summer and she's officially on the U's waiting list. She's a B+ blood type. I can't pinpoint exactly what upset me so much reading it...maybe Sarah saying she felt awkward asking, but that she'd just put it out there anyway...knowing that even if it was small, her email contained HOPE....and the sad feeling of wanting to help but we don't match anyway, plus I'm in the paired exchange program....and wondering how the transplant teams pick who gets a chance to live and who gets to keep waiting and I dunno. I felt little and helpless and frustrated. You know? Stupid. I can feed a homeless person food. I can buy the guy with a sign a burger. I can buy diapers for the crisis nursery. I can give food to a food shelter. I can help exactly ONE PERSON waiting for a kidney- and it's big, I know that...it's not just THEM, it's their entire life and everyone in it, if it works. I know. But hell. Someone I actually know....
UGH.
Anyways. I kept myself distracted and emailed her back and told her how very, very sorry I am that Nel is sick and that I don't think we match anyway, but I'm in the paired exchange program and if I'm not matched on April 5th that I'm considering letting them match me to someone from the other list (feels gross saying that)...and that before I did *that*, I'd investigate to see about B+ and A+ being compatible.

It's all good, just made my head and heart a little bit tired. Cullen forgot to hug me even though I was crying. I didn't even expect him to. Weird. He comes home with frozen yogurt from Lee Ann Chin and eggrolls for me as a surprise- isn't that sweet? It's very, very sweet. But I have a 40/60 shot at comfort when I'm crying. It's okay, just weird.

YAY FRIDAY!