How fast it hits!

First- I am in a good mood. Even after what just happened, so don't think I'm wrecked now. It's just strange how some things can just COME UP so quickly when you're not conciously thinking of them.

So, my precious spidey was curled up against the glass, and I warmed up my hand and she snuggled closer. I can't find my stupid heating pad ANYWHERE and she'd LOVE it. She loves when I warm the glass up. She's too weak to climb up it right now but she really liked my warm hand on the glass...so I went to recheck the usual places yet AGAIN. I went into our room and opened one ofthe dresser drawers. There was a vanilla folder in there, and BAM...all of the sudden tears, falling down my face. I opened the folder becuase i knew it was THE ONE that I thought it was. It was from when Jordan was born, the folder of stuff they give you in the hospital. I knew I'd stop crying then when I saw it was Jordan's but it still took a second.
No, it looks just like the folder full of medical bills in spanish, and ultrasounds of a 14 week old baby, a folder that carries more saddness in it than I have words for. The fear that washed over me when the water broke and I felt it, the uncertainy of if the baby was going to come out right then, of what it all meant, Cullen's tear stained face ...the blissful second after I woke up from the d&c not remembering what was happening, where I was, or that I wasn't pregnant anymore....UGH. What the fuck....HEY....do you think that it would be beneificial if I did take THAT folder and make it go away? I don't know if I could just throw it away...what would I do with it? Bury it?! That's stupid. But I don't need it. I dont look at it. Ever. Is it even here? Maybe I already gave it to my mom with all the other ultrasound pics of that baby. I guess getting rid of it won't help if it's already out of the house.

Little letting gos.
Anyways, like I said. I'm fine now, it just surprises me every single time how something can jump up like that when you are least expecting it.