Army of Me

*disclaimers*:
1. I will write something nice about Cullen after this to make up for this.
2. He didn't necessarily do anything "wrong", well, not REALLY. My needs should never be above his own, REALLY. No matter what it is. So I have to own some of this. Which is why I only hold on to a very, very small piece of hurt over these two things.
3. How can I forget to add that I am ABSOLUTELY no better, not even a little bit better, than my darling husband, no matter what stumbling he might do sometimes?

Okay, now that those are out of the way! I've been thinking about the hard dance we do when we're married. How we both have needs, and wants, and wishes, and how sometimes they don't match up, and trying to figure out how to dance the dance sometimes when it'd be easier to yell SCREW OFF and go away for awhile. You know? I've always believed that *I* am solely responsible for my own needs. I can ask for what I'd like, or show him what I'd like to happen, but I cannot possibly depend on him to take care of MY needs. Right? Am I right? Is there a situation that that doesn't hold true for? There might be, I dunno.

There have been 2 times where my need actually felt like a need and his blantant and purposeful neglect of my need hurt me way deep down. I don't get hurt way deep down too often- believe it or not. I know that I feel really, really, really big, but I try to keep the WAY DEEP DOWN HURTS for the WAY BIG DEEP HURTFUL THINGS, know what I mean? He can't "hurt" me when I'm being responsible for my own shit. Well..anyways. Here they are.

1. After the bad Mexico trip, I was a ball of everything. You can imagine, right? Everyone deals in their own way and I was doing a kick ass job. But you know what sucked? Nights. At night time when (sorry if this is a repost!) everything is quiet and you're in bed, and all the sad you've been holding back all day comes storming in, and there's nothing you can do to stop the horrible memories, the wondering, the anger, the frustration...there's nothing you can to do make it not come crashing down. It's soul crushing sometimes, the weight of it all.
Cullen got tired of holding me while I cried myself to sleep.
Does that sound mean? It's actually the truth though. He got tired of it. This wasn't months and months later, no, this was weeks later. The only other person who knew of the black hole that sucked me in when the daytime noises stopped, left me in bed one night, saying "You need to learn how to go to sleep by yourself now." Maybe you'd do the same thing? I don't know. I don't think that I was wanting much. They weren't even loud horrible sobs like after it first happened. But he got tired of it. When he did that, I cried HARD. I BEGGED him to please stay, please, please please...I wouldnt cry anymore, but please don't leave me alone with my head, please......he walked out.
It was like bootcamping a kid who can't put themselves to bed, I supose. It was a few nights like that. Me crying and begging him to please stop this, please just stay, and him insisting that this was good for me, good for me to cry myself to sleep. I have to say, I hated him for it. There's still a part of me that completely disagrees with what he did. He left me when I truly ached to not be alone. It wasn't like my sister could come snuggle me. No, he walked out and left me alone. Over and over. So he could go downstairs and drink.
That was years ago now. I still dislike that him. A lot. I would never do that, I don't think. Maybe the weight was just too heavy for him to bear. I'm sure it was. That can't be fun, a sad crying wife every night when it was bedtime. So I understand, a little bit. But that might be when I first learned that I was not going to count on him to "be there"- which was just as well since it's a crap shoot if he is going to comfort me when I cry or not. He hates that I don't need him but as far as I can tell....I have no choice sometimes.

2. This one is going to get pretty personal. I don't think I've posted anything about this on here. That was your warning...if you don't want to hear about my vagina (hahhaha) then RUN NOW. And it's okay. :)
The hysterectomy was a hard recovery. I had never had major surgery, and that one hurt like a sonfoabitch. To top it off, my darling husband was being a total jackass. It didn't just have to do with my surgery (of which he was all for beforehand)....he was dealing with his dad, his mom, his this and that, and the way he was doing it was to be as disconnected from everyone and everything as possible. Most of his family noticed that he was being a dink. *I* sure did.
Dr. Hot did me no favors at all when he told Dink (as we'll refer to him for this one. I TOLD YOU I'll post a nice about him later! I will! Promise!) that I'd be good as new in 5 weeks. No male dr in his right mind should put a time frame on a girl that way. FWIW, I WAS good in 5 weeks. I felt AMAZING. I was NOT READY to have sex again though. NOT READY. But guess who was MORE THAN READY. And the DR SAID.
It was funny- when I went to the dr for my post op, I was scared of the exam. I mean, come ON! They pried my wide open to climb up and cut my uterus out. This is a pretty big deal. Vagina's can take a beating and bounce back just fine, but COME ON. Anyway- it was so funny when I said "Is this going to hurt?" and Dr Hot said "No." (insert fingers) ...."Does this hurt?" HAHAHAHAH! It just sounded so much like we were messing around or something. "No! No, it doesn't hurt!" I was so happy that it didn't hurt! I had a stitch that was still there so he told me to hold off for another week.
Cullen didn't like that. My husband is not normally demanding of sex, but he was complaining like no one's business about this. This is just so not like him- he normally babies me so well. FINALLY- a week later, I was ready to give it a go.
I've had 3 miscarriages and 4 babies. I'm good at doing these "first times" after "events". He's always patient as I try out my "new" body. And I had a new body now. No cervix. Sewn up top up there.
The weirdest thing in the world happened. THE WEIRDEST. I've NEVER had this happen before in my life. Okay- I'm wrong there, but it was never this bad.....As soon as the actual thing started to happen I froze up and FREAKED OUT. I mean, hyperventilating, stiff, frozen legs, can't breathe freaked out. I couldn't tell you why. I still cannot figure it out. It felt for all the world like my body was remembering surgery. I have no idea. I don't. Just to tell you HOW MUCH it confused me, I'll tell you that we'd practiced orgasms beforehand because I was nervous about how different those would feel. So I honestly thought that we'd have sex and carry on. NO. NO, NO,NO. FREAK OUT. GET OUT! That's all that my head could scream! NO! GET OUT! NO!!!! NO!!!!! Trying continuing to have sex like that. It's hell.
And do you know what? Dink got MAD. He was angry and mad, and frustrated and told me that the Dr. said now was fine, and what was my problem.
THAT IS SO NOT CULLEN.
If that was the only time he acted that way, during those 3 weeks of FREAK OUTS, I could have let it go. But it was 3 weeks of hyperventilating, clutching blankets, teary sex that always ended with him mad (just what a girl needs is a pissed off Dink to make whatever the hell was wrong even worse, let me tell you!). I have never been so confused about my own husband before. Talk about hating him. I had no idea what the hell was wrong with me, or what was happening or why, and for him to guilt me and be such an asshole when I was used to him being the most loving, supportive person I've ever known...I mean, I know 6 weeks is a long time for a guy to go without, but give Major Surgery Girl a break for a minute! Damn.
I don't remember what "made" it better. Maybe the continued practice. I didn't give up, even though Dink was a Dink. We have a good time together that way, and maybe he understood that I was trying as hard as I could to get a grip. F*ck, that really, really sucked. I can almost remember the feeling now, thinking back. YUCK. The first time that it was fun all the way through with no tears, no panic, no pain....I cried happy tears. I was scared I was permanently broken for a minute there.
At some point, after a few drunken nights and fights, I don't know what changed....but *HE* came back. Still the weirdest thing ever. I'm not sure that I could do a round two of him being like that- so cut off and disconnected from me and everyone in his life.
So there. The 2 times that I took it on the chin in a big way, from my darling husband. Who I love and have forgiven (he asked). I'm suposed to forget it, too, but I am not going to. Just as a reference as "how not to behave towards the person you wed." I don't hold it over his head- I mean, there is simply no reason to do that. And he's back to his normal, loving, wonderful self who loves to spoil me rotten with yummy stuff from the grocery store, or buying me food on his way home from work.

I'm not a rock. I take it all in. I think I do pretty good with it....I try to remember that *I* am responsible for my own shit. And that there is always another heart involved, and if it's a heart I'm involved with, I likely love that heart, and that heart deserves my care and consideration too. We all get to "go through" our own stuff, right? So Cullen has gone through some of his own stuff. We all do. We all deal with things differently. It's all good. But I am an Army of Me. I maybe haven't always done so well demanding that others get the hell off of MY heart when they are dealing with their own stuff, but now I can, will and do. *I* don't need to get stomped on. SO GOD HELP ME if I have this kidney surgery and if he promises me things like last time (taking time off, helping, taking care of me...which he barely did and whined the whole time...but he wasn't being his normal self) ....well, I don't know. I guess I'm still planning the whole thing like he's not going to be here because once bitten twice shy? We'll see. I should be trusting that he's going to do as he says. I'm working on it. :)

LALALALALAL! How is the day that much shorter? WHERE THE HELL DOES THAT HOUR GO? There are still 12 hours in a day, but it is definitely shorter feeling. What a silly world we are!