You were warned. In 5 seconds I'm going to stop holding back and I'm only partially responsible for whatever comes out...4.....3.....2.....1
How can it fucking be that i am the MIND SCREW QUEEN. I can talk myself out of being mad or hurt by just about anyone and anything. I change my perspective and it changes everything. It's magic. I am SO good at it! I truly am!!! I can see other people's perspectives that way. I can empathize. I can feel. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I GET OVER NUMBERS??? Why? Why? WHY?!
What is so different about a treadmill being here than at Michelle's? The effort I had to put in to go over there? i need to get a grip FAST. The other stupid thing I did is weigh myself at Cullen's mom's house. shouldn't have. So immediately, I'm thinking of how far I need to to get those few pounds off again, and considering how far we're going to walk at the bass ponds and NO! NO! NO!!! I'm doing this NOT to lose weight. NO! I'm doing this because I'm going to have major surgery again and I want to heal quicker. That's all! When i'm duty again all by myself at 3 weeks, I don't want to cry my way through the day. It isn't about my stupid weight! It isn't about it!!! MY STUPID FUCKING GIRL HEAD!!!!
But- do you know what? The time is NOW. This is it. It's HERE. Staring me in the face. The time is NOW to kill this fucking beast. Can I do it? I mean, OF COURSE I can, but CAN I?! I think I can because I have the kidney surgery. And hopefully after the surgery I will want ot keep being healthy just to be nice to my body.
WTF?!
Do you think it'll work if I plan to run a certain distance a certain amount of times a week? Is that how I can do this without fucking freaking?! 3 miles, 3 times a week. 4 times a week? What's good? i have no idea. All I know is that i've had the thing for one second, and because it's HERE in my HOUSE, right THERE...already the ugly voices are trying to get through. I shouldn't have weighed myself! It doesn't matter! It doesn't fucking MATTER!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to win, goddamnit. I'm so over this.
WHEW.
Okay. going to go run again and get a grip.
Cherry Vodka is good, if you wondered. Jamie- you'll need to come have some later.
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