The Gift

My weekly powerful question this morning is : What Gifts Come From A Full Commitment?

So this morning I'm thinking about it. Most people in my life I'm fully committed to. There is one in particular that requires every last everything I've got in order to keep it going. That would be my marriage, of course. The biggest blessing and most enormous challenge in the world sometimes.

I can't pretend to understand the inability to stay sober, or guage how drunk one is getting and STOPPING. I don't get it. And I judge it HARSHLY because there is too much or it around me. It stumbled and fell in the bedroom at 2am. It stumbled around the room later trying to get out to go to the bathroom. It's irritating and by far the grossest aspect of the person I love.

He's still in bed now. There is a passive aggressive part of me what wants to let him sleep until 1:30pm, wake him up and let him rush around getting ready for work. I can stay mean to him then. He was of no help with the kids last night because he was a worthless drunk asshole. He would be of no help with them this morning either.

Option 2: Wake him up nice and early to teach him a lesson in being responsible. His 4 responsibilities don't go away because he's an idiot when it comes to drinking. For all the shit I've taken from him over the years about me not wanting to be hungover the next day- I have to say, I win. How rude to purposely put yourself in a position when you SUCK as a parent because you couldn't control yourself. Stupid. I could let the kids go in and jump on him. But I'd still be doing it to be a bitch because I think he's stupid right now.

Option 3: the kids wish to have a ride down the block to school instead of walking because it's snowing. They could deal with walking, instead, I went to ask Cullen if he'd get up and take them so I don't have to haul all four out the door. He said yes.
But the dilemma is that he is fast asleep again. I'm struggling here, people! I can do it myself and have another thing to hang over (hahhaha I'm PUNNY!) his stupid hung over head later. Or I can nicely go wake him up again. The 5th kid. I have to mommy him like I do them. That's irritating too.
I wonder what I'm going to do. I wonder what I'm going to do, I wonder what I'm going to do.....

Stay tuned. One thing I know...I'm sure to do SOMETHING. Dear God, help me. Am I big enough to do this without being hateful?