But, people, I think I can officially say- I AM BACK! I think I'm really, really back! Back to ME! ME! GLORIOUS ME! <----- I'm only kidding about that. I'm just alright. :)
No, really though.
I can't explain and do it justice, what it was like to have babies, newborn babies, be pregnant, nursing...I mean, really- it was the single biggest growing experience I've ever had. I learned instantly that the world doesn't revolve around ME (as I'd been led to believe by my husband, hehe). No, I stopped mattering, except that I needed to be fed, watered and napped occassionally in order to just function to help my babies thrive. It was wonderful and exhausting. So many arguments Cullen and I would have about me being a "poop" and being left out because I didn't want to drink because I was pregnant/nursing/had to wake up with babies all night long and in the morning. Because staying home sounded a hell of a lot funner than going out. How I wish he could have seen that it was only temporary and just let me be instead of making me feel badly. He prefers to go out if I'm with him instead of by himself, bless his heart, but then *I* was a "poop" who didn't want to go out and do anything ever. No, not exactly that- I loved being taken out for a meal I didn't have to cook or clean up, not share my food, and to be able to eat in peace- that was heaven. But "GOING OUT"? Who needs it?
My older sister told me it would come back. "IT" being ME...I would be back. Before kids, my biggest need was to express myself. I needed to be able to be ME and ...be ME.
This past spring, I felt it creeping up. Winter was harder than ever on me and I felt it growing inside of me...that I needed to break the hell out of WINTER and DO SOMETHING. And then I looked around...spring was springing and the kids were just a little older. Even Jordan being 2 felt easier than a newborn. I felt myself wake up again. I looked at me in my yoga pants and tshirt. I looked at my hair, boring. And I FIXED IT. I WOKE UP!
I *THINK* that I'm better now than I was before kids. How could I not be? I do not require the attention that I once did, that's for sure. My emotional baggage is long gone, and in it's place is where I love the kids- another creative expression of myself, but even better because they are THEM! And apparently I must have retained a little bit of myself throughout the journey of little kids because they aren't freaked out at all by...me. I showed them the pictures of the rufuge with me acting like all the animals and they didn't even SMILE. Like it was NORMAL. :) No matter how red I make my hair, they just tell me they like it. Sometimes they ask me to please stop.. "PLEASE" stop dancing, but that's okay. : ) I can own a thought! I can read a book! I can have conversations with the kids! I can be a step ahead of them and not get trampled on by the herd! I AM DOING THIS!!! I'M GOING TO MAKE IT!!!!!!! Of course, these are the golden years when they still like me.......
But- I still exist!! I'm so excited to see that I still exist!!!!! Thank you to all of my friends and family who helped me get through it!
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