Well, my Janie isn't so good. Talking about it really solves nothing...they gave her 5 years, and that was 8 years ago. We've been lucky. We're blessed, really...she didn't pass away when she was still in peak form...that probably sound stupid but in a way that blow would have really, really...it all sucks. But we've watched her deteriorate. We see that she is not what she was, how she was. It isn't FUN for her. Being out of her body is going to be the best day of her life! To be FREE! To be able to be as expansive as she is! To fly! To be free of pain! To be able to FLY AGAIN! Oh, oh! It almost makes me WANT it for her, to talk of it. And then I remember that here I am, here we are...in the midst of another scare and I remember that letting go is hard.
She isn't well, and her options blow. Her ONLY option is a pacemaker, which they haven't wanted to do because the risks were too great, and here we sit, it's the ONLY option left, and not a soul is excited about it. She'll have to stop her blood thinners, and surgery will be asap. Christmas week, she's having surgery and she just has to make it.
Will this be our first Christmas "different"? Will we not be gathered there together in the morning, eating the best eggbake and caramel rolls in existance? Opening gifts, laughing, being together? Who knows...she's not to get her heart rate up, and there was lots of company there tonight.
Which also reminded me right quick my 2nd heartache when she is sickly. When it's bad, her family gathers around. But I am here, my husband is at work or with his family (not us, his blood family), and I am here with the kids. I don't get updates, I don't get to know what's going on, and that's just how it is...I get left out because I need to take care of the kids. My parents, whom I love and owe more than I can ever repay, help me sometimes when the missing her gets too bad and I want to go see her for myself...they help me out. But suddenly, I fade into the backround, because she is "only" my mother in law, and her children need to be there. Cept Em gets to be there when she's in the hospital because she works there, and Travis has his kids every other week, so he's free every other week... it really sucks. BUT! But I am blessed because I have my darling friends who won't mind holding my heart while I cry by myself, here at home, and I have my darling friends who will listen to me bitch and whine about being left out and how misearable it is to have to fade to give everyone else "more important" their space. That's MY Janie. She is my FRIEND. She says she hates talking on the phone but we kill some time on that thing together. Since she's been less well, I haven't been there as much since the kids are my duty and they are loud, and dirty and she just is so tired all the time, but that's MY JANIE! I clean that kitchen. The floor! The cabinets! THe fridge! I used to love to super clean their house for them when they were out. And hide love notes around the house. That's MY JANIE TOO!
Ah, well. This is the ride. It is what it is, and we're...well, on it. I should remember to focus on how free she will be someday, and keep hoping that she can see one more Christmas.
My heart is really broken for Kimmy most of all. Cullen is extremely close to him Mom too, but Kim is her only daughter, newly pregnant, the owner of the house they live in, and she's broken hearted and scared a hundred different ways and for reasons that I (we) can't make better. Nothing anyone can say can help. How can you make it better when you realize that your mom is most likely not going to be in her physical body when your baby is born...
Maybe that's part of it too...part of what hurts is that I can cope...I'm crying as I type, but I will cope, as will everyone else, but there's just not a thing I can say or do to make anything better for anyone. The missing is going to descend on us like the heaviest weight ever, blanketing us in blackness for awhile, and all we can do is hold hands and cry together. That's miserable. And that's not mentioning the snow ball that is going to start rolling when at some point she does go. There's a snowball waiting for a push down the hill, just waiting, and it's not going to be good.
Ouch.
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