Maybe if I cut off my arm...

It is moments like this one that make me wonder what planet I'm from. And how much longer I have to stay here. I don't FIT anywhere. Inside of me grows this out of control feeling THING. This THING. I can't name it. It grows and grows. I feel like I need something. I feel like I'm suffocating and dying for some air. This is what makes me DO things. I seriously sit here by myself and cry sometimes, because I have this NEED that is never really satisfied. The nibbles I feed it keep it at bay. When will anything ever be enough? Can I wait til November 8th? What can I possibly do in the mean time to feed this?
It's one of those teary _I-need-to-do-SOMETHING days.
Maybe I can write it out of me? Maybe I can make up a story? Maybe this needy feeling inside has to do with creating something?
UGH. See? I know. I don't understand myself, how can anyone else understand me. I hate feeling this alone when really I'm not alone, but I can't understand, or even articulate what goes on inside of me. And I can't find anything that will TOUCH what goes on inside of me. It's BEGGING to be touched. What will touch it? I search, I search, I search. I look at art and feel touched, but it almost makes it worse, somehow. Maybe I want someone to stand next to me and feel the same thing. How stupid is THAT? What would THAT accomplish?
I can't DO enough things. I can't BE effective enough. I can do these little tiny things that don't ever solve anything. Nothing is solved. Nothing was solved by raising money for children's cancer research. I mean, MY experience was bigger than the money I raised. My baldness. Nothing was solved by my food drive, or the drive for the crisis nursery. I know all of those things "help" but nothing changes really. I can't CHANGE anything. Is that why I feel frustrated? Is that where this comes from? That I love so enormously but I feel like I can't CHANGE anything? I have no flippin idea.
At least Bono writes songs for me. I STILL haven't found what I'm looking for.