Weird things come out sometimes when I'm running. It must be anything that I inadvertantly shove down to get through the moment that comes back later when I'm running...
Tina came in today, and we were chatting. She'd mentioned that her dad was out in the van- we were waiting for Tayler to get here after school. Quentin sprung a kidney leak today so had to go to the hospital, and they weren't sure how long it was going to take. Didn't take as long as they'd thought...so we were chatting and Tina's dealing with some tough stuff right now (dad wise) ....and we look out, and there he is, sitting on the front step. Skinny as can be. She mentioned he probably couldn't make it up the steps. I went out to sit by him and say hi...see how he was doing. It's such a stupid, stupid question to ask someone who's body is slowly but surely being ravished by cancer, isn't it? I said I was sorry. He said he's not as good as he'd like to be, and we talked about being drunk. :D If only alcohol would stay down.
He's somehow skinnier than ever, and I wanted to touch him and hug him but I didn't want to hurt him. He said he wanted to come in but couldn't make it up the steps and I wanted to die and cry right then and there, for that feeling, how hard it must have been to make it up the one step. And then I'm so stupid that I didn't realize how badly sitting on cement must have been hurting him, with no meat on his bones. Stupid! I got him a cushion and it helped.
Tayler made it here and they left but I as I was running all I could see was Quentin, sitting on the front step, tired and in pain and he just couldn't make it in.....I'm so sorry, I didn't know and didn't think of it...to help him in, that it hurt to sit...I didn't know.
That was fun. Let's run another mile and see what else comes out. Think I'll get the guilty feeling for not calling my grandma back today? Or Tina Clay, who I DESPERATELY need to call back and keep putting off?
Let's find out!
sometimes all people want is for people not to avoid what's going on. at least some people do. so don't feel bad by asking the "normal" questions...
ReplyDeletei had a friend in college named Sara, she was in a wheelchair and had lost her legs at a very young age. i asked her all kinds of things and she once thanked me for not "walking on eggshells" around her. it was her life and how awful to feel the stares and tentative nature every day.
i know it's a little different with cancer, and facing that life is evading you, so it's not a true comparison, but i hope it makes you feel better about your feelings.
be happy that you thought to get him a cushion when most people would shut down or not even notice. you're good shit garvey, remember that.