*waiting for the confetti and party whistles to start*
And for the freaking world to applaud my continued patience with everything in my life right now. EXCEPT- playing canasta with Cullen last night, I got to exercise my total and complete IMPATIENCE by slapping the incessant wilds I was getting on everything in sight instead of waiting for my cards to come to me. He shook his head, but it sure felt good to finally just not have to sit and be patient for another minute.
On Friday I am going to know exactly what which way to move with my kidney. I also think I figured out what I'm going to do because my head isn't screaming "STUCK" at me anymore, but it does involve going into the office 4 days a week for a little while.
But I've got other things rollin now, and I'm going to be okay. That probably sounds generic but I don't think you understand how stressed out I get/was over it. I mean, can't eat, can't sleep, want to run away in the worst way ever stressed out over it. And I am aware that if I can't change the actual situation, I am in complete control of my attitude regarding it--- it is what has saved me a million times over in regards to Cullen, work, any life situation that feels out of my control. And time IS on my side.
Jordan is running around with a backwards baseball hat on (otherwise know has bbbh to Jessica and I back in highschool). God they are so cute it hurts sometimes.
Know what I'm going to do today? I had big plans. 4 miles. Every day. To take advantage of having a little more time before surgery. However, I just noticed that the noise in my head wasn't how it should be. I started hearing things about how much *everyone else* is running, and it's shorts time and all the little girls who haven't grown babies are coming out of the woodwork looking all delicious.
I'm not going to run. AND to top it off- I'm going to NOT RUN today (again) and I'm going to DARE to like myself ANYWAY. Afterall, I grew these perfectly astounding babies. No man can do what my body did. Speaking of men (HAHAH! Okay, MAN, who needs those english teachers anyway?)- I happen to be adored how I am RIGHT NOW. I don't need to lose one single pound. In fact, when I weighed even MORE (gasp!) than I do right now, I was still adored. And I mean it! I believe him when he says it. He shows me. When my head gets naughty, he makes me stop and he shows me. And I can't for the life of me remember what I was feeling badly about then. Lots of times, I already know it. I know that anyone who has had babies, and even more who have not, have the same body stuff going on, and GOD KNOWS we have WAY TOO MUCH of a messed up self image crisis going on anyway. *I* am NOT MY BODY. I am so much bigger than my body, so much MORE than my body. I love my body. It works. It works so well....
I don't have to run. I can if I want to, but it doesn't matter. Isn't that a nice freedom? I can have a goal and nothing bad happens if I don't reach it. The world won't stop. I will keep going.
Yay, crazy not running Nicki, yay. haha!
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