HM.

This is just right now...this feeling that I have. I might not have it tomorrow. Or later today.
But I'm noticing something.
My coping skills still kind of suck.
I haven't had a change in routine in 7 years.
I look like I'm doing fine with it.
I'm all girled up.
I'm getting my stuff done.
I'm showing up where I'm suposed to show up.
It's all good.
I haven't eaten.
I won't eat.
I said this week I'd work on that.
I'm not going to.
Not here.
I smelled food and it made some old ghost of a feeling come up.
The feeling of "I'm NOT EATING."
I'm not fully alarmed.
I still eat at night.
Mostly.
Cullen fed me last night but I did eat pizza during the day.
And I ate all weekend.
So I don't feel like I'm slipping into an eating disorder,
but I can see how I might be trying to control something that feels
uncontrollable to me.
I have to be here.
I feel stuck for now.
I have to pay for daycare.
I want to be with my own children.
I'm not eating when I'm here.
Well, hershey kisses. :)
It's almost funny how everytime jc or pm walks by, they pitch me a kiss.
So it isn't like I haven't had any calories today.
But weird.
I'm not telling us this to make anyone tell me to eat. I know I should eat.
I'm a grown adult and Iknow this eating disorder thing way better than I want to.
And I'm kicking it's ass, little by little with my running.
I'm getting through it.
I still eat.
I'm not shrinking or anything, just weird.
I must be more stressed out about being here than I knew.
It started to come out today.
Because I might miss Josh's play at school.
On Friday.
We'll find out.
Just thought I'd share. I noticed something. I should get points for that alone.
Stupid fucking food.