Walkin the walk

I really can't tell what's more irritating...feeling like I'm coping for 2 weeks or being so aware of my coping for 2 weeks. That's exhausting.
I'm FINE. Everything is FINE, but do you know what? Most everyone is afraid/nervous of change, and I'm DOING IT.
I'm making changes. These might not be considered big changes to anyone outside of me but for SEVEN YEARS I have been working from home. SEVEN YEARS. I have nursed babies while on the phone with salons. I have sat on the steps and cried about how impossible it felt to be a mom and work at the same time. I have gotten pregnant while on the clock - heheheh! I have juggled more things at the same time than I care to count. Or remember. Slowly, so slowly, I got better and better at juggling. Of course, I could NOT do EVERYTHING absolutely EVERYWHERE, but I did what I could and for a very long time, that was enough. For everyone. Minus Cullen when he wanted me to pick up some of the slack that I'd do now and then.
SEVEN YEARS. That's a very long time to go from juggling family, house and work to THIS, going back into the office.
But it's fine.
It will just take a little while to feel "normal" again.
But bigger than that is that I'm going to take steps to get out. I'm taking the steps. I'm not the first one and I'm not the last one and I'm not building a bar or anything exciting like that, not writing a book BUT I've been where I'm employed for...well, when I got married I was with the company so 14 years. THAT IS A LONG TIME TOO, FRIENDS. And I'm making my way so I can leave there. That's a bfd (for me). I'm DOING THIS.
And I'm coping with nothing feeling normal right now.
I'm doing good.
So I can't run 3 miles because my head is way not good.
So I cry a little easily right now.
So WHAT!
I'm dealing.

I went to Tina's tonight. She wasn't home, she was at the grocery store. Quentin was sitting outside on the deck so I went to sit with him. He said "I need a hug, give me a hug, no one wants to hug me anymore." :) He had enough layers on so it didn't feel like I was going to break him this time and it was just plain good. It was so sweet of Tina to feed all of us. That's no easy feat, and I know it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWi9LLsfhxw<----- all time favorite song, ever, ever. Transports me to a different time and place, and I can almost remember being dressed up all fancy and being danced by someone who I loved so completely....

Anyways, I love Matt and Kalene and Tayler too, and Tina. It's amazing to see children that I've known and loved since they were babies now. Matt is taller than me. When I was hugging him and holding on to him, my head was resting on his CHEST. My baby Matty!!!!!!!!! It was almost as good as when CJ lets me hold him again. Dude's 16, you can imagine how often I get to snuggle him like that anymore. Reason #514 that I love him: "Have you ever pushed and worked so hard on a poop, only to look afterwards and find out that it's a rabbit terd?"

I need to paint my toenails.
I need to find my flippin sandals.
I need to get some work sandals.
And I supose some more work clothes in general.
I need to shower.

Cullen and I were calling eachother at the same time, me to tell him that I was trying to hold it together and I was running and I was so sorry for laughing so hard when he told me about tripping while running (and rolling like 3 times before ocming to a stop, hahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha here we go again!!!) and at the same time he was telling me that if I needed a giggle, to go ahead and he'd retell the story again. HAHAHAHAH!!! There was a branch and Forrest figured he'd leap over it at full speed, ahahhahahahahha!!! And it didn't work out...one minute running, the next rolling. HAHAHAHAHHA!! My poor Cullen! FUNNY! Reminds me of when Jory Jech was over at my parents house and I threw a tennis ball to him and he wasn't ready ....and he dropped, got him in the nuts, and I was on the floor laughing too then. Who else was over? Oh I got tackled for laughing....
HAHAHAHAH! Remember last year at the north shore, CJ and Josh were with us...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! CJ came in from outside to go pee, and I shut the sliding glass door, and he came out of the bathroom running to go back outside and ran straight into it. He bounced. HAHAHAHAHAH! He was on the floor crying, and I was on the couch laughing my ass off, Cullen yelling at me "PULL IT TOGETHER, HE'S HURT!"
Oh My God. I'm sure this is so not as fun for you as it is for me.
Reminds me of bouncing off the bathroom door at mom's house face first, not expecting it to be shut, and then hearing mom fall apart laughing in bed, across the hall. OH FUNNY STUFF.
Okay. Shower and Who's Line. I'm going to make it one more day. One little day at a time.