There must be a way, I'm thinking- and I'm RIGHT because I am doing it somewhat, sometimes right now...there must be a way to apply the way that we react to the people we are NOT married to but love dearly, to the people we are married to that we sometimes struggle with. Putting two people together and adding a kid or 4, jobs, a house, bills, etc- those things are bound to take a toll one way or another. It's easy to stop communicating, it's easy to hold a grudge, it's easy to let little thing hurt.
But think about your closest, bestest relationship outside of the one with the person you're with.
Can't I give Cullen the benefit of the doubt, the way I would to anyone else? Can't I stop looking behind me, and assuming that the same patterns are going to come to be, again? Can't I give of myself to him freely, instead of maybe being resentful that I'm in this position to begin with, and making him ASK for it?
He was unemployed for 2 years? Something like that. Felt like forever. The kids got their daddy, alot more than many kids get their daddy. I had help and I appreciated it. We were together alot. Oh it wasn't always fun, of course. Those stupid bills don't stop just because you're squeaking by on one small income. That was stressful like no one's business. I didn't want to be a part of that anymore. So when Danny hooked him up, he hooked him up GOOD- the benefits are amazing, the people he works with have beautiful hearts, and Danny- well, he's one of my favorite people. So am I even allowed to whine about the hours?I do not know. I'm not whining right now, I'm balking because he's getting whiny. heheheh I need to get back to gratefulness. I AM grateful he's working- he has 2 jobs at 2 very solid companies that aren't going anywhere. We are double covered for insurance. Great retirement plans every which way we look. I am thankful for that. He sleeps brokenly. That is hard. If he didn't have the running that takes more time away from us, he'd be a total bear. And it's healthy for his body. There was a time when he drank, smoked, and chewed. And he drank A LOT. And when I asked him to stop smoking and chewing, he did it. He didn't "try", he did it. He is so incredibly strong. He did it for all the right reasons, even when he really wanted some, he didn't. When the gum ran out and we just didn't have money to throw at more (that shit's EXPENSIVE!!!), he didn't even complain. He carried on threw withdrawals that he must have had and he wasn't very moody or anything. He DID IT.
And now, when he's home the little he is, he's usually surrounded by friends and family, and he juggles doing home stuff with family stuff, and I know that at any moment, *I* am number one. THAT is what he doesn't feel. He is NOT number one. He's on my list of things to take care of: Get Cullen Sleep, check. Get Cullen Up, check. Get Cullen Soup, check. You know? Ahhh, clarity. Okay, I can see it all the way better now.
Thank you to my beautiful friends who listen to me blab and help me learn how to be a better person.
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