There might not be much because I think most of it has gotten out.
I'm pretty sure that I understand that Cullen misses me and needs me. I understand where that needs is coming from. It's unfortunate that to pull off what I have to pull of and have been pulling off for a few years now, I have had to un-need him. Or is it? Maybe it's not so bad. He's still my wonderfully funny, calming friend. We aren't suposed to NEED anything from anyone else, are we? Isn't it the best when we're self sufficient and we come together, bringing more to the table than was there, instead of coming to the table and picking things from the other person off of it, things that we "need" ? I understand the need- the need that is REAL- to reconnect, to feel connected at some level. I get that. Without that, there's nothing keeping anyone where they are. Right? I get that. I get that I have been very, very lazy with being forthcoming for him. I grocery shopped for him ONCE, and even that made me feel like "great, I get to take 4 kids to the store to buy YOU food when you can leave a little early and do it all by yourself." That probably isn't the right attitude, is it? Aren't I suposed to feel the WANT to do that for him? To show him how much I appreciate all the hard work he's doing? Just like I should WANT to take all 4 kids to Farmington to play in the gym for a few hours while I ...watch them (instead of being home and in bed early)? What's my deal? Is this a working mom thing? That I'm around the kids 90% more than I'm around him, so my decisions start coming from my perspective in regard to them instead of him?
In my perspecitve, things were going along just fine. I mean, who gets nooners like he does? We have more sex than people who are together often, probably. And it's good! And although I wasn't excited about staying up late waiting for him to come home, it's been really good to sit with him for awhile before bed. You know? I just need to step up my game. He hates that any change that comes is coming because he "needed" something and asked for it. I spent a lot of time last night asking him to not make it be like that. I had no idea, and the only way for me to know is for him to tell me.
I did get a little loud for a minute. If he wants the band aid off, the band aid that keeps me able to deal with his stupid flippin hours, he can finish pulling it off. I can whine and be a huge pain in the ass about his hours until he does something about it. OR we can find a way to make it 2 more months and then we'll have 3 months of normalcy. I'm going grocery shopping for him today. I've called him twice. I swear to you, I swear, if he whines- it's ON.
That's the one last thing...there is probably a way to have made his requests known that didn't seem so demanding. That didn't help. But I'll just keep trying to see him for him and remember that the rest of this is not REALLY him, is just him missing me, missing the kids.
I GOT THIS.
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