Is there anyone in the world who can handle me like this? I'm overwhelmed and I'm mad and I hate this today. I hate it. I can't do it. Cullen told me he's tired of me being Surgery Girl and that this has been hard on him. So I'm doing everything. Carefully, because I do like myself. I have NO ONE now. NO ONE. Does that sound dramatic? Is there anyone out there who isn't tired of my recovery? Everyone is so surprised by how "long" this is taking me. It's 4 weeks tomorrow. Here I have been thinking about how F*CKING AMAZING I've been doing, and I find out that I'm NOT. He's keeping score of everything he's doing and I don't want to play. I quit. SO here I am. Spotting red, heavier because I CAN'T NOT DO STUFF. I'm ON DUTY. I'm THE ONE. It's ON ME. THANK GOD for my parents. Thank GOD for my sister who came to help me pack. Thank GOD for everything that Cullen has done, but he's done. He's DONE. The ONE PERSON who was suposed to STAND BY ME IN THIS, who said WE'D MAKE IT, who said HE'D TAKE CARE OF ME - bailed. He BAILED. He's TIRED. He wants me back to myself.
Can I tell you what this has been like for ME?! First of all, I'm amazed by my body's ability to heal. I love this body. It's squishy and it isn't what it was when I was 23. It's BETTER. I grew 4 of the most gorgeous, fun babies in the world. I BIRTHED THEM. I have learned about nourishment and how it affects my body. I've seen my body respond. It's incredible. But staying down has been hard, and I haven't been staying down. I don't like having things thrown in my face, like the fact that I went to work for 1 hour 45 minutes. That's all I lasted. I should have known that i wouldn't be babied. Why would I be babied now by him? Don't get me wrong- he loves to get me good food to eat, he brings me coffee in the morning, he has helped with laundry, and for the first week that he went back to work, he helped get the kids out of here so I could rest and heal. That's all over now, isn't it. Me and the kids. I don't have time to DO THIS anymore.
As I type, Julia is by my feet, hollering. I don't know if you know my girl, but this little thing screamed her flippin head off for the 1st 4 months of her life. I have never, ever imagined feeling a frustration like I felt then. And when she cries now it's the same annoying sound, but louder and she can keep it up for just as long. I can't carry her upstairs to make her go away. I am ignoring her. But it's making me slowly go insane. I'll cry in a few minutes.
Truly, who isn't tired of me calling out in frustration? I am. And so here I sit. On an Island of Self Preservation. Trying not to need anyone because if Cullen's tired of this, I can only imagine how tired everyone else who has been doing most of the helping is.
I shouldn't have had the hysterectomy. I probably should have just kept going and dealing with the issues. If I'd have know how this would go....... how this would feel.....we're moving in 2 weeks. I've packed all the boxes so far (sister did help). There is so much cleaning to be done.
Get the cape on, and start praying. I can't afford a setback. Correction: WE can't afford a setback.
Do you supose if I walk at a quick pace, with my head down, and hit the wall, it would be hard enough to make the noise coming from Julia stop?
Is it over yet?
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