I am WAY too good for my own good right now.
Today I have ALMOST carried on as normal. I made myself stay down for awhile because I could feel it in my legs, spotting picks up etc but DAMN. I just wanna DO STUFF! In the middle of my wanting to DO STUFF is the fact that I'm on day 3 of Cullen being back to his normal hours...I do feel exhausted by that. He has been helping with the kids in the am- he drives them to school and that part is nice, but it's still hit the ground running and go til it's bedtime for them. It's all good in the hood though.
Uncle Johnny moved on. Me and my abnormally healthy attitude about that cheers for him. I'm very sad for his wife and son, and for the feelings of loss that no one can make go away, no matter what. That's the world's most frustrating thing ever. I'm not scared to sit in it with them- I will, someday too soon, be sitting in it and I will appreciate all of the people who will sit in the missing with me. Fricken kidney donation. My head goes NUTS about it. I'm tired of being hysterectomy girl now and I want it to be done, and if things keep going well and I heal so nicely, maybe I WILL still do it. There's time, right. FOR ME. Not for the people who are just dying every day waiting. It makes me want to get LOUD. NO FAIR! I WANNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
How does a whack job like me get by? Even I wonder.
It's dinner time and I'm counting down the minutes. Chelle and Payten are coming over to help me pack and clean. I might just watch her. My dogs are barking and my body really, really, really just wants to stop. I want to be babied in the worst way ever. I am dreaming of someone showing up, rubbing my tired feet and legs and bringing me a Dr. Pepper and snuggling me. I miss Cullen. WHINEY ME!
Time to put my big girl pants on and keep going. I think I want to go back up north where the leaves are starting to turn colors, and I want to go run into the forest and stay close to one of the red maples and just...be there.
I miss Michael Hutchensen (SP!).
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