Does that sound bratty? I don't really mean it to be. He and I are on different planets as much as we are on the same planet. I supose I own an entire planet by myself though.
His learning disability really jacked him up. I have to remind myself that everything is perfect, happens perfectly and for a good reason. My darling husband was traumatized, and back then when we were young...well the help wasn't all that great. So instead of finding out how he learned best, and having some serious one on one learning going on, Cullen never had anyone he trusted enough. Instead, he lived in fear of being called on, asked to read, etc. That has carried over til now. He had classes he needed to take and just couldn't, they just wrecked him, those stupid classes. He know conciously that he is still reacting like he did as a kid, but it's so hard to overcome some of those fears.
Anyways- with the loss of that job, he was jobless, and working for himself. Not the same. I don't even know how we made it through those years. He was disappointed in himself, and feeling like he was letting us down. I know that I was stressed out to the point of ...I don't even know. I am sure that I didn't help. But we had these 4 kids to take care of, and I ...well. Ick,that time really sucked. I did like that the kids had their dad around so much. Most kids aren't that lucky, and since he loves playing with them and taking them out...that worked out well. ANYWAYS. At some point, he had enough of feeling however he was feeling- which couldn't have been good. The only thing I asked for, for Christmas was for him to stop smoking and chewing. That was...I don't know? 3 years ago? He did it. He is SUCH a rockstar. He is one of the most determined people I know. When he's going to do something, he does it. Then he started running. At one point he was running 8 miles a day. He finally settled down and decided 5-6 miles a day is good enough. And he's been doing it ever since.
So you can imagine that a person would feel better physically, and that of course leaks over into emotionally also. He's a pain in the ass when he doesn't run for a few days. It really keeps his head clear and he doesn't stress out so much. I wish I could run or even work out. Someday I can try to tackle that, I supose. Not now though! Anyways---- It was rough after surgery, obviously. But something about that time, something about that brokenness...it was like his breakthrough or something. I don't know.
We moved in here and all of the sudden, he totally...blossomed? That's such a girlie word to use. But he's...fully present here. He loves the neighbors, and he sees the potential in things instead of the "have to's"...he sees friends around, I don't know. The other night I said "How was your day?" and he didn't say anything. I asked if he felt frustrated about something. He said "No. I actually feel all the way happy right now!" And i seriously don't know if I've ever heard him say that! It isn't that he's Eeyore or anything (okay, almost everyone is compared to me and my over excitedness about everything), but I feel like outside things have mattered so much to him, and he's finally getting that it isn't anything out there...it's all inside. I don't know. But I'm happy for him. I can't say that he acts any differently...but I was watching him talk to our neighbor the other night, and he didn't know that I was watching, and there was something different about him. Maybe I was seeing him actually CONNECT with someone? I don't know. He's connected to ME. I mean...he keeps me grounded and blah blah blah- but maybe there were so few people that he actually connected to?
Don't know.
But write it down.
The boy is happy. All the way through. Welcome to Nickiland.
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