The Gratuitous Princess

Okay, I'm getting a grip. I think it's a good one. I think.
Did you know that I have total and complete control over how anything in the world affects me? I am and have been aware of it, and I have been conciously putting forth an effort to make concious decisions about how things affect me. I'm getting pretty good at it, sometimes. The hardest person, for me, of course, is Cullen.
AS YOU HEARD, I struggle every so often with being the one mainly on duty all the time. On weekends, he plays with the kids, and I usually "get out" one way or another, but I'm the one to get up and get them going in the mornings. I get resentful of that, and I'd like to get over it. Truly, I do pretty good. My sister and mom hear about my frustrations more than anyone, but I have found that in general, we all share pretty much the same frustrations, which is interesting to me. That all plays into my marriage theories though.
Anyways, I am so thankful for the things I do get from him. Food is his main way of making me happy (I think that was from me being pregnant for 5 years). The other night, he knew I hadn't eaten (ahem...i don't cook on weekends. Neither does he. Great.) and got me food without me asking for anything. I love that! I stole a nap yesterday, and I loved that. I want to require nothing from him, so that I can just hoover in happiness. Most of the time, I am extremely happy feeling on the inside, but when I'm not, it has to do with Cullen. I want to make that stop entirely. We don't even argue, I work most everything out in my head, but I want to do it without being resentful, ya know? I guess I'm never bored.
The transplant coordinator called me back. I missed the call. I'm going to stalk her again shortly. : ) Here's hoping! I'm nervous because at some point I'll have to tell SOME people, and the people closest to me will have the hardest time with it until it's done and over with and I'm recovered again. I'm so nervous about that part. I'm going to wait until I'm accepted as a donor and the testing starts. I should start preparing myself in case I have to wait, right? I should assume they will want me to wait, and that I'm going to have to start searching for something else to feed the beast inside of me, right? A friend mentioned that doing this seems to border on being selfish, and I've thought about that all weekend long. Know what? It's true! I have a total lack of worry about dying during the procedure (It has never occured in over 2,500 living transplant donor's at the U of M, and nationally the percentage is .03%). And having been through one recovery in which *I* did well but *Cullen*, not so much, we've talked alot about what we can do differently this next time. I felt emotionally alone in it, and frustrated by how quickly he was ready to be "done" helping me out, and to top it off, I didn't feel like he understood how incredibly well I was actually doing. Of course he couldn't, he's never even been put under. This time I have hopes of it being different. And he is totally behind me in this, which is an awesome feeling. He mailed me paperwork in today, and I...well, I just can't wait! My biggest fear is having to tell the people closest to me, the people who may feel like my precious children will suffer somehow from me being in recovery again. They did just fine last time, and still check in to see if I'm doing okay, or if I should be doing this, that or the other thing. The first time I took the stairs 2 at a time, they CLAPPED for me, is that the cutest thing ever? It might be selfish- I need to do SOMETHING, andthis is what I want to do. I'm not concered about dying, or infections, or the couple of weeks that I will be slower than normal again. Someone, right this minute, is on dialysis, someone is waiting. Someone's family is praying. Someone cries by themselves, with worry for thier loved one. I can totally live with one kidney.
If I even get to do this.