A glimpse into crazy...

jen, I'll apologize to you now because I'm sure cutting your toenails would be more entertaining but I really do have to think out loud!
I need to examine a couple of things, so that I can be assured that I am being honest with myself.

1. I am an attention whore.
The person who said this said it mostly in jest, but truly, I am! But I'm more interested in knowing if I do the things I do for attention, and I don't think that I do. It's a nice side effect, as I said to someone who openly agreed with the assessment. And I way prefer good attention as opposed to negative attention. However, there are some things that I do and don't tell anyone about, because I don't want the attention. And there are things that I only tell certain people because I feel like they understand. Or it's okay to say to them "I'm telling you this because I am having an experience that I want to share, but I really don't need any positive attention from it." Ya know? Well, that's how I feel anyway. I don't want to hear that I'm great. I'm much more touched when someone sees something and thinks "I can do that too!" and comes along for the ride or is inspired to do something themselves. THAT is what touches me. I'm absolutely clear on this. THAT is why I post it on facebook in front of everyone. In hopes that someone will realize that they can create something good for themselves too, IF THEY WANT TO! That brings up another point:

2. For the love of God, people, I don't ever mean to make anyone feel defensive. It's amazing. I never got to be a surrogate, but people sure start defending why *they* couldn't do it as soon as I'd mention it. It made me feel bad and not want to talk about it. Any guesses on how a kidney donation will make them react? GOSH I HOPE I GET TO! Or maybe I should just say I'm GOING TO. I'm GOING TO! I'm GOING TO! But it isn't about them- unless it is, of course. Wouldn't that be the coolest thing in the whole entire universe if someone else decided to do it, too? I read something about a couple of NEAD's (Never Ending Altruistic Donor) chains that have started, with kidney donation. But that is still not why I am doing it.

3. Am I selfish?
In a way, I am. I already thought that one through. I have no concerns about dying or infection or anything not going well. My kids will do fine with me in recovery again. I'm positive that my selfishness is in the right place. Guess how many people are waiting for a kidney in the US? 75,000. These are people already in kidney failure, who's lives are made much more painful and harder because of dialysis. Did you know that the average kidney from a living donor buys them 10-15 years of LIFE?! And that every single day, an average of 12 people on that list die waiting? There aren't enough dead donors, let alone live ones. I can do this! I can help. Selfish? Where was selfish when I had my uterus removed? That wasn't an emergency, and it was major surgery, it carried the same risk as this. Not one person told me I shouldn't do it because of the WHAT IF's. I drive in a car with children often. That has to be way more dangerous.

4. Back to attention whore, because I'm sure that people actually do think that I do what I do out loud for the attention. But I don't. I much rather not hear anyone tell me that I have a good heart. Going to the shelter last Sunday---- I felt more touched by the people who rolled out of bed to show up than anything. I prayed over the food I made, I made it with love, I sent everyone there love while i watched them come get food, but know what? They are still there. We didn't solve anything, we just made a meal. Know what I mean? But everyone who came to help didn't have to do that, they chose to, and THAT gets me. I LOVE that! oh, hell. I supose some people will just think that about me anyways. I shouldn't let anything anyone says affect me. And I should be used to it by now anyhoo. What does it mean if I'm not?