Screw off, my house is clean, kids in bed and Cullen's not home. Bite me.
Last night I was in the shower. Want details? I do have a routine- I suppose we all do. I washed my gorgeous locks, and rinsed. Then I washed my face, and rinsed. (heheh). Then I grabbed the new conditioner and squirted some in my hand. As I rubbed my hands together and got ready to slide it over said gorgeous, wet, clean locks, I caught the scent of it.
"Hmmm," I thought to myself, "that smells is really really familiar..." but I couldn't place it. So I carried on- I mean, that's not SHOWER STOPPING, ya know? I wasn't thinking of anything in particular on purpose, but I found myself feeling sad, and defensive? Weird. I was thinking "Nope, there is no reason to ever go back to Mexico. I mean, I did it one time, after the horrible miscarrying time, and that's enough. If we ever go back, I'm not going to Cancun. There is just NO REASON to go there again. I didn't even want to fucking go the first time. I was so sick and no one would FUCKING LISTEN TO ME..." and before you knew it, I was all the way in Mexico again. WTF? I was in the shower, shaving, and crying, missing my baby. "My baby, my baby, my baby..." just like when I was in Mexico. It was astounding to me, how devastated I felt about something that happened 10 years ago. It hit me in the stomach, only deeper. My soul. It was revertabrating in my soul. Is that a word??? I ached to "come home", I ached for that feeling of loss, the loss of control, the horrible vacation gone wrong to end...ugh.
I was rinsing my hair when it hit me.
While in Mexico the first time, I was in the tub. My back, oh my back hurt. I didn't feel that it was contractions/cramps yet. But I had started spotting. I was so sick and so miserable and had no idea what was going on. Everyone we were there with just wanted to party, including my poor Cullen, and I was cute, my stomach had just popped out, I had felt the baby moving a few times, and here I was, feeling horrid. I was in the tub, trying to get my back to stop hurting, and I was shaving with the new shaving cream I'd bought.
And it smelled just like the conditioner.
a DECADE later....and I can still smell it.
I have not had any miscarriages that I know of or lost a child. I can't even imagine the sadness. The worst I can feel is the sadness over my closest friends that I had. Due to religion, I was not able to talk to them when they got kicked out of it for being rebellious teenagers. I have since left that religion, and have no plans to join another, but I have not gained back those friends. It would never be the same. There were times, up until the last few years, that I would just cry so much over that loss. Songs have a HUGE connection to my friends and that time period. It was 14-17 years ago. It took that long to not feel that pain so much. And that is only because I moved on from the religion and had fulfillment in my spiritual life.
ReplyDeleteAlso, about Mexico. I went to Cancun once. I do not like it. But then we went to Puerto Aventuras. It is a gated community with a big hotel or house/condo rentals. We were in a condo with 3 bedrooms on the ground floor. We opened the giant glass wall/doors and let the sea breeze that we could see just beyond the pool, flow into the room for hours. Every morning we would wake up with no alarm and do whatever we wanted. We had banana pancakes at one of the open air restaurants. We'd walk around looking in the little shops or at the marina. Then we'd go swim in the ocean or pool and come back and shower together, have lunch, lounge. It was amazing. Not all inclusive. There were about 7 restaurants in the community. All outdoors. One was the loud and fun place. We ate there most of the time. Lost of drinking going on there and music. I loved eating outside everyday and night. I would love to go back but I'm not sure about getting a passport and going through porno scans and/or being molested by the TSA.
That made me drool a little bit- yes, I did love (the 2nd time we were in Mexico), the warm breeze, esp at night, it just felt heavenly on my skin. I shouldn't shut out all of Mexico because you are right, there are lots of beautiful places. I just don't want to see the hotel or the hospital again. We'd have to get passports too though.
ReplyDeleteMusic does that to me too, but you probably read that at some point. There are 3 songs in particular that hit me w/the bad Mexico trip again, and a bazillion that remind me of this time, that time, that person etc. : ) I would die without music before food or water, totally.
Have I told you lately how happy I am about your freedom and for finding your path? I am.
Oh my, thank you for being happy for me. Gosh, I am too. It isn't perfect and complete because I can't seem to grasp what I need to do. But I have freedom to think without the limits of religion. That makes a world of difference.
ReplyDelete