Sleep

I had a great sleep last night.
I had one of those dreams that almost convinces me that we actually do leave our bodies when we sleep.

I saw my "first love". I don't know if I should even blog it really. I would never ever want Cullen to feel sad if he ever read this. Baby, if you're reading this, please don't feel sad. We are together for a very, very good reason and we're going to keep being together.

That being said, it was like I had a real conversation with FL (first love). He said it was nice of me to show up because "funny enough" he just had a run in with Gabriella on Friday. I don't know who she is, but he said that she reminds him of me in every possible way- her mannerisms, hair, smile, the way she wants to save the world.

It made me miss him in some very strange way. Maybe i should try to describe it? To kill time and all? ;) I am exactly where I want to be, most importantly, and right where I should be, nextly. If I wanted to be anywhere else, I would be. Oh, and I've wondered. HOW I've wondered what it would be like to be elsewhere sometimes. I have been so unhappy sometimes, that I have REALLY REALLY wondered. Other times, even being happy, I have wondered. Cullen thinks I'm a bad person for loving the world and the people in it, and sometimes I let that in, but mostly I think that it's normal, and actually a GOOD thing, to love people, no matter what. Maybe not physically but ...
ANYWAY- so I missed him, how funny he was/is, and the way that I felt. Maybe that's what I missed? The way it felt a trillion years ago, when I first heard his name when I was all of 11 or 12 or whatever, and I KNEW, and I almost remembered life before....

So I reminded him, in my "dream" that everything is okay, and perfect, and that everything is GOING to be okay. It's a no lose situation, this life, no matter what it seems like. Nothing is real.

I woke up feeling like I'd actually spoken to him, and part of me is dying to know if that really happened or if it was just a stupid dream. It doesn't even matter, just like anything else.

To clarify- Cullen, I love you so much. I love who you are. When I want to go home, I want to go wherever YOU are because you are home. You are quite literally a dream come true. I dreamed you up and you showed up. I'm sorry for the ways that I fail you, and for the ways that YOU perceive that I fail you. I hate it when you say "I love you more." and you say it because you actually believe that, and it's somehow a slam on me. You can't measure feelings. Thank you for taking care of me and protecting me always, and for growing with me and letting me be a part of you.

To my FL-
Thank you for reminding me that we are more than this body, we are more than this life. You remind me without meaning to that there's more here than meets the eye. I feel better knowing you're somewhere out there. Please be good and be okay.

Who was your first love?

There. 2nd post. They are napping, I'm sure I've got more in me.