And even *I* can be launched back into Superwoman-hood! Whew.
The sun is out. It's cold as hell, but I don't care. I actually FEEL like running. THAT must be the extra cup of coffee I poured in, in hopes of not feeling like I was going to pass out before lunch time hit. Stupid cold. For realz.
THANK GOD FOR ALLYSSA. Do you read that, A? THANK GOD FOR YOU. What sweet, precious friendships I have. I actually became overwhelmed last night thinking about it. How stunningly precious love is, and how big I love my friends. I have been afraid to call her during the "moments" that occur sometimes with babies. I have 3 young babies here and I have been reminded STRONGLY. And I haven't wanted to call her because she just had her 5th baby and if she was enjoying the snuggles and cuddling, I didn't want to freak her out and remind her. So today, she called me and let me know that she is indeed waist high in remembering too. :) If I could tell you how many times she saved me when the kids were young....here she thought she called me to talk herself down, and really she just did more for me than I have words for.
And jla- I am not done with you yet. I know you're so sick that you should SERIOUSLY be back at the dr, and I hope you're not reading this because you're either sleeping or at the dr again, but I feel like I need to tell you how deeply sorry I am- I know that I hurt you before. My intention was not to hurt you, but I did hurt you and I am as sorry as I could ever be for that. I want you to know that. I know you'll brush this off like you always do, but as long as you know it in your heart that I have always loved you and that I feel sorry for the tears and surely anger you've felt with me....and speaking of that---I also owe you another gigantic THANK YOU for the way you dealt with me when we were teenagers. It almost bowled me over last night, remembering how ..ugh, it makes me cry right now, how horrible (tears, tears, tears) ...how honestly horrible it was to be such a young girl, doing and making such horrible choices that forced me to make other choices and how much it hurt to even be alive sometimes. Yet you were my closest most darling friend, who I know cried for me and surely felt sick for me and wished I would stop the stupid, stupid things I was doing. How shitty it had to be for you, and I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. It's weird how 99% of the time the things that happened, that I did, that I let happen, that I made happen during those 4 horrendous years escape me and I'm fine with them, and other times I actually feel how hard it was to function, while wanting to SCREAM out into the world, and the weight of it CRUSHES me. Thank you for making me laugh back then, and the fun we had, and trusting me with you, and THANK YOU for letting me trust you with me. Done now. Love you.
Whew- the fundraiser thing isn't formal. She loves my tshirt idea but said that we are a "surprise" (!!!!!) and the tshirts have to stay covered up until the reveal. THE REVEAL?! Goodness. How many people actually pay $125 to get into those things???????? For real.
Okay. Had to puke it out. I was holding in a LOT last night, things that hurt Cullen to hear, and it was so hard to hold it in...
BTW, MFN---Samantha actually is FLOURISHING. She LIKES me. She TRUSTS me!!!! I AM teaching her to write- she's paying attention and she loves to help me clean. There's hope yet! And yesterday we had a big day here- I did my first "respect" lesson with Ch and Sa---- we made a sign saying THANK YOU to Ch Sr and Ma, and listed reasons that Ch and Sa are thankful for them---and we talked about how they couldn't get or do those things themselves, so they need to say thank you to their mom and dad and be grateful. I'll keep working on that. Just maybe .... but we'll see. Ch jr still doesn't overly trust me. And why should he? His mom, who won't pick Julia up from the SAME PLACE that she picks him up...brings him home to feed him lunch. This is the woman who sent a note home with Julia saying I needed to find a different way to get her home because she was taking too much time off of work...hm. Isn't that sad? Ch Sr would love nothing more than for me to make nice SOME MORE with his wife (I've bought her flowers more than anyone I know) but I just don't understand her, and it makes me sad, so no. I don't feel the need to put out even more effort right now.
Now that that's out....
I'm done. For the day. XO Enjoy The Silence.
you are right, i will brush it off, er maybe along...no need to say these things, but thank you for doing so. i always knew who you were at heart, but i had to let you become who you are and look how much you've grown. :) you were always good. life just got in the way. we were young. we didn't always make the best choices for us, but we made the ones we needed to at the time in hopes of gaining something. we were looking out, not in.
ReplyDeletebtw your book is FUCKING me up.
in a good way.
but i can only handle like 20 pages at a time.
*i thank you for the experience* if things hadn't gone how they had, who knows if we'd be where we are now?