Dancing with myself, again, as usual....

At some point I will need to stop being surprised that when it comes to the big things, I am mostly left on my own. This is normal, and although I've been here before, as I mentioned, I need to stop being surprised about it.
I got all of my paperwork for January 12th! I will have a busy day. It never occurred to me that this appt was something that Cullen might want to be there for until I started watching the dvd they sent. OH! A spouse, a concerned spouse, going along to the appt? Huh. But no, not mine. He only has 2 days of PTO left. He did tell me that he can dip into next years supply of PTO but he doesn't want to do that. Of course not. Why would he or should he? He also gets slightly offended when I talk about recovery and how I"m trying to just count him out of the picture as much as possible, and then I laugh at his getting offended because HELLO? If I can't count on him for anything at all, I can't count on him for anything at all. But today it's starting to piss me off. And it's good. Everything I'm feeling right now is good. Isn't it slightly effed up that the most support I'm getting is from other donors (I've been in contact with many, to hear their stories and experiences), and my FRIENDS? Facebook friends even? My sister is supportive, and my 2 closest girlfriends are supportive. In a sense, just to make sure that you understand that I GET IT, I get it. I am DOING THIS TO MYSELF, and it's "selfish" and I'm purposesly taking myself out of my children's lives for a few more weeks, just to save someone I don't know. How stupid of me. Why should anyone WANT to help me? Shit, the least I could do is keep my fricken kidney til it's someone I KNOW. Just because the person that I knew that I (we) were going to try to donate to has DIED ALREADY....why should anyone come running to help me, be supportive of me, go to the friicken appt with me? It isn't like THEY will be in surgery, so why should anyone else meet with the surgeon?
Oh don't get me wrong, I'm ready to DO THIS. All by my self. I have always known that I don't think like most people, and I can't expect anyone to see things my way. There are other people out there like me, but for now, I'm dancing with myself.
My aunt that I am close to gave me a wonderful opportunity to explore this some more because she has been watching someone go downhill from his kidneys not working, and his family's struggle to get him a kidney. That's the part of this that I like: not knowing the recipient. It relieves some of the emotional burdens and truamas. I think I'll end up knowing the recipient anyway, but they won't worry that I was pressured, they won't worry that they felt that I was doing it out of obligation, etc. I'm not going to die during surgery. EVEN IF I DID, I am of the belief that no matter what happens, it's perfect. I believe that we all agreed to come and play in this life together, and we agreed beforehand on lots of things. No matter what happens, it's the right thing. If I don't get to donate a kidney at all, I am going to be crushed under a sadness that I can't explain to you, but I will be crushed and know that there is a perfect reason for it.
This is only as big of a deal as everyone makes it. YOu can look at all the risks (and I have, and I do) and focus on the scary, on the what if's or you can look at the big picture and see that this is the most positive thing in the world. There IS an example here, by my craziness. I am NOT my body. I am a million times larger than this body. My amazing body heals well and I can use my body to save someone else- and their family- from more pain. People have a problem with me not knowing the recipient, but I'd rather it be this way. My children will have to snuggle me on the couch for awhile again. I was in enough pain from the hysterectomy to say repeatedly that there was no way I was ever going to donate a kidney. And just like labor, I know it hurt like a son of a bitch, but here I am. Let's save someone. What will be better? If my kids don't remember this at all, or if they remember that their mom was a little insane, and had them participate in things like putting a food drive together, getting stuff for the crisis nursery, she shaved her head, whatever else..she DONATED A KIDNEY...wouldn't that be an okay thing for them to be aware of? To know WHAT IS POSSIBLE TO DO? People can live their lives however they want. Everyone is at a different place. Had I just had my first baby, I probably wouldn't do this. If I was still completely eating disordered and really needed to focus on me first, I wouldn't do this. NO matter where they are in their lives, they can live completely without giving if they want to. I don't care. It doesn't mean anything different to me. I have so many beautiful friends and family that give to others and set their own beautiful examples of what giving means. I love everyone. This is just another way.
My biggest challenge is that I have had to jump this hurdle before: The hurdle of not focusing on the people saying "no, stop, don't". None of this is new to me. Now it's just DIFFERENT because I actually am going to require assistance afterwards, and asking for help from people who don't approve of what you're doing in the first place SUCKS ASS. It's hard and I don't like it. I can't count on Cullen. I have no idea if he'll even bring me to the hospital. I'm guessing he wont' like taking a day off to bring me home either. Those first few days were insanely painful. I'm trying to meditate on that, because some of that pain had to at least be in my head, and I want as little pain as possible. It was insane to me that at 3 weeks I was on my own with the kids then, and I'm going to have to do that again this time.
My hysterectomy was elective also. I could have held on to my uterus as long as I wanted to. I dumped it sooner rather than later so I could do this, and I was supported then. It's so weird to me! That was a major surgery, but everyone did just fine with it. Because it's more "common" ? Kidney's, I'll admit, play a large role in our day to day lives, while uteruses just give us a place to grow a baby or whatever, but it's not that different.
I'm starting to feel better. thank you for listening. Am I going to resent Cullen when this is over? My sister said she'll come clean the house for me once a week. Is there a way to do this and not resent Cullen? Is there a way for me to rest in the love of the people who support me even if they aren't close by? Am I going to come home from the hospital and have to be on duty immediately? That is more a factore in me doing this than anything, isn't that funny? My husband's inability to handle me being down for a little while? I will have daycare set up for 2 weeks, but I will need help getting the kids there and getting them home. Is it fair that it'll fall on my parents? More than likely they won't say no, because it's for my kids, and my kids don't have a choice in what their selfish mother is going to do. More than likely it will fall on them, again. My thankfulness and gratefulness will never end to them. I'd be lost without them. But WTF. Where, oh where is my husband? What is the lesson in this? This was way back when I was pregnant too....that was never a "big deal" to him- unless it's just that he shuts down when it's something big, which could very well be. He could just shut down and become a total emotional retard over big things. That just make me want to kick him in the nuts if that's what it is though. Pregnancies weren't a big deal..in fact, when the dr told us he was going to let Julia be born at 33 weeks, I exclaimed NO! While Cullen exclaimed YES! I was like WHAT, IDIOT? 33 weeks? And he just wanted his baby girl here. She was in the special care nursery for 3 weeks. Ya'll know how much he sucked during the hysterectomy recovery, and he was NO BETTER at the LITTLE gall bladder removal, whining about it being a long weekend and he didn't clean or do laundry at all. Why? I'd just have to do it when I could. Hm. Yes, yes, I think that there is a little part of me hating him already for bowing out of this. It isn't fair to him, is it? To expect him to step up for the big things I go through? ESPECIALLY when it's stuff I do on purpose? Would he care if I were in an accident? IF I didn't purposely get my uterus yanked, my gallbladder yanked, give birth? It's the same thing I always wrestle with. What does marriage mean? How is he my best friend when he fails me when it comes to this stuff? Remember my eating disorder? Man, he was a champ through recovery then. But even now that is different. Even now when I cry he can just walk away and go away from me. SO weird to me. I feel like i'm not allowed to be sad, when this is elective ALSO. Not the first elective surgery I've had, but the biggest? Is it sad to hope to stay in the hospital for 2 days just to have someone taking care of me?
Oh, I'm doing this, and the sooner I get it out of my head, all this noise I just puked on you, the better. It's almost time to put on the blinders to the naysayers. I've done enough research over the past 10 months. I can spit facts out endlessly. I can tell you what some donors have disliked. I can tell you some of the sad stories out there. I have my schedule. If I do my testing and I hear that I am cleared to donate, I will tell them to give me a date. I bet they pick Feb 16th. And it's almost time to put on the blinders and only focus on the people supporting me.
And likely, that's going to leave me very much to figure this all out all by myself.