*warning* Novel ahead!

I have a full head today. IMAGINE THAT! :P
There's lots of stuff to think about. Where, or where shall I start?

1. I don't hate Cullen anymore. There is something that I thought of yesterday, even when I was still shooting mental daggers at him, and I used it today. But not right away, no! It was beautiful, when I remembered my thought from yesterday, THEN I used it. Do you wish to see futher inside my whack job female head? You didn't protest loud enough to stop me, so get ready.
I was upset because he insulted rudely my housekeeping last week. I was gone 3 days of the week and I admittedly slacked a little. I only did a few loads of laundry, I didn't clean the house very much, and I tried to avoid cooking if I could. It was like a vacation for me, but he was not appreciative. He was also very hard on the kids, and pointed to me as the problem. Like I am not superneat and now my 8, 6, 5 and 3 year old aren't all that neat. I personally think they are doing amazing, for being such young kids, but he does not. I would have LOVED to have seen how he was, having FIVE siblings, growing up. But anyways...it really, REALLY bothers me because he truly couldn't handle taking care of the house and kids for a few weeks when I had the hyst, and I do that AND keep a job...all the damned time, so I feel like if I slack now and then, he shouldn't care. And it gets me so worked up that I go into single parent mode, which means I just don't count on him for anything at all. Which I normally don't anyway, but it's still different. I just count him out for everything or anything. It's not TERRIBLE do to this (for me) now and then because it does reassure me that I can make it on my own with the kids. That probably sounds bad, but he'd be screwed without me because I take care of everything, and I prefer the feeling of not being screwed if for some reason I'd be left to my own devices with the kids. Please know what I mean! I don't think I can do any better than that. Doing it, of course, requires me to emotionally shut him out, which is what I did. Yesterday I thought about apologizing, but found that I didn't feel like it yet. And there was a part of me that wondered if I DID, if he would accept it and let us move on or if he'd keep being an asshat. Worrying that he'd keep being an asshat helped me decide that I wasn't apologizing this time. Because (lightbulb!!!) it would give him the power to keep looking down at me and poking his finger at me, telling me what I don't do well enough for him sometimes. I was disgusted with him for it- well, disgusted with the idea that he might use that power if i granted it to him, and I thought to myself "That's shitty. The next time someone apologizes to me for something, I owe it to them to accept the apology and move on." Because I am no better than anyone else, and neither is anyone else better than me. Except for you, of course. HAHAHAHAH!
SO! Today finally Cullen brings up the terrific weekend (ha!)and apologized. I said sorry too, but I was still feeling a bit like SCREW YOU. But that is when I caught myself! I thought "It isn't fair to keep being an lucy wench to him when he is sincerely sorry that we fought so! I'm using the power and it isn't meant to be used that way!" And that is when I just...let it go. I let it go! I stopped being so irritated. I can move on from it. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that another week will come when I am just so tired out that I will slack, and I'll give him another chance to poke at me about it. :) I'm very happy that this happened though because for as far as I feel I've come in understanding human nature and discovering more and more of ME, I've struggled when it comes to Cullen because all of my emotions are BIGGER, of course, with him. And sometimes we seem to be in such different places and I wonder how in the world I'm to apply anything I "know" to this relationship. And today, I did it. Yay me. 50 points.
Whew.

2. I truly have got to decide what I am going to do in a couple of years. I'm finding it easier to decide what I do NOT want to do. I do NOT wish to go to school again. I would consider it for a minute if I could take classes on what I am interested in and not have any of the required bs to take. That is just OUT for me. I'm not interested in climbing a corporate ladder. I'm not interested in sitting at a desk. I love people, and animals. I love music. I love helping. I love being a part of something. I would love to open my mother in laws caramel roll coffee shop. I mean, seriously- they are the best EVER. And I could have a drive through, to help with the morning rush, but I could make it yummy inside for the people coming in. Like a log cabin, and the smell! YUM! Who wouldn't feel better coming out of there? Is that what I want? Work in a zoo with animals...I'd have so much fun it's ridiculous. I just don't know. Do I want to do foster care? Would that satisfy my need to do something and love on kids? Would it break my heart when the kids leave? I can handle alot where emotions are concerned, but I don't know if I could handle dealing with birthparents that keep making mistakes. But those kids are already out there in the world, and they have to deal with their birthparents no matter what, you know? I could be the safe place for them to rest. UGH, but we can't forget the behavioral issues that would land here too. And honestly- my 4 kids do wear me out PLENTY right now. I like being able to pay them enough attention. And THAT gets stretched sometimes when I'm trying to work at the same time as parent. So I'm not sure. Daycare has never sounded overly good to me either. I just do not know. But I'm getting there. I've always thought it would be fun to get paid to write too, but who'd buy it and what would I write? I rock at short stories but I get lost in long ones. Novels would just never happen. But I do know this: I'm going to need to have something in the works to get me where I'm going. Soon. My job has been wonderful, and I'm positive I could keep at it, but my restlessness suggests that I could do something, when the time comes, that satisfies me in a way I haven't been satisfied by a job in a long time. We'll see. That's still a couple of years away, which is GOOD since I am still so ambivelant about what it is I want to choose.

3. Love.
My friend Angie said it best, and it sounds dirty but I understood what she meant. She said "Love is fluid." We were discussing homosexuality and marriage at the time, and how stupid it is to have laws against certain people getting married. And the idea that when you get married, you are *suposed* to never love anyone else like you love your husband/wife ever again. I disagree. I think you should love everyone the same way. I understand the sexual limitations, but COME ON!!!! I have a darling friend who feels left out because he hasn't found anyone he loves so much he wants to marry, and he has no children yet. I know that the grass is always greener on the other side, but love IS fluid. It can't be contained in just a family. Is there anything better than connecting with other people? How much have I learned from my friends that I love so much? I'm learning constantly. That we are all different, that we are all the same, that we can all take different paths and end up in the same spot anyway, that love is bigger than any issue out there, that we're never alone even when we feel like we are. Love can't be kept! You can't fence it. Maybe our divorce rate wouldn't be so high if we'd allow eachother....well, I don't know. Our marriage partners should be held in high regard, with the utmost respect since they are indeed our marriage partners...but the more I type the more I see how some of this can lead to trouble. Because to love someone is to share yourself with them openly- emotionally, and I guess I can see that that could lead to wanting to spend more time with them, get physical, blah blah blah. If we stupid humans could keep that part in check more, I think we have the world to gain. I think if we could manage to resist that, but were free to spend time with one another, whoever it may be, we would indeed have the world to gain from it. That's so easy for me to say though because I don't think I'm the jealous type. I wonder if I am and I just don't know it. I think the most jealous I've felt regarding Cullen is when I was way pregnant and he was in his friends wedding. I was not in the mood to go to a wedding where I would not know anyone, and i was ready to pop and it was hot out, blah blah blah. He was walking down the aisle with an ex girlfriend. You'd think that that would have made me want to go "Look at me! Carrying his 2nd child!" but it did the opposite. I felt left out because I couldn't drink (which would have helped, not knowing anyone), I was tired out by 8pm, etc. I don't know if that was jealousy as much- not of a girl anyway. I'm the dingbat that cheers when he gets hit on, or some girl chats him up. And I think that if he had any female friends, that they'd be my friends too. It might be good for me to see what that feels like since I know he's felt jealous plenty. My darling husband has felt it plenty. He deals with it better now than he used to, YAY. I don't mean to make him feel jealous, but I love people. I love my girlfriends as much as my male friends, but that doesn't make him jealous. Just hopeful and slightly horny. HAHHAHAHA! I'm just kidding. :)

4. Do my dreams count? Now that I have kids and am a parent, does what *I* want to do even actually count? This goes kinda with #2, because I feel partially guilty for planning and even (gulp) looking forward to the time when they will all be in school and I can REALLY focus on me and what I want to do, wish to do, hope to do. I've managed to merge what makes me tick with things that I want to let them experience, at least through me if not themselves...Hm. I just answered my own question. I am the best parent I can possibly be when I am fulfilled. When my cup runneth over, they benefit from it. So never mind. May I keep finding ways to refill my cup over and over and over.

I really could get a business plan in place and work out the kinks for a couple of years, you know that? I really could. I know that Kim and Cullen would want to be a part of it also. Hm. And I have the time for this right now. Well, kinda. HAHAH!

I miss Michael Hutchenson. I love him. I love all song writers that get the job done.
He's singing Disappear to me right now. Dreamy.
Did I puke it all out?
WHEN WILL I KNOW ABOUT MY KIDNEY? I'll be so happy to not be waiting.
I wonder what I could do for someone for fun? Anonymously? That's the best, you know. And it can be something so small. I could kill some time tomorrow with that. Waiting for the phone to ring. Maybe I'll make a love note for my friend who came over today. That's not anonymous but that's okay. It's my mom's birthday Wednesday....that helps. I gotta find something to give her/make her that will show her how much I love her. Parents are hard because they have everything. Flowers are pretty, but they die. I've written her love notes. There must be something!
Maybe I'll write JM the love note now. I must be running out of things to do. Nothing on TV, listening to music....dreading going to bed by myself, but I'm not sure I will make it til Cullen gets home.
We're soul alone, and soul really matters to me.- Hall and Oates

Wouldn't it be fun to be able to throw your arms around the world?!