The flight home from Mexico, the bad trip, was absolute torture. I was suposed to go back to the dr one more time but I was so done with them pushing on my stomach and plenty traumatized. I have never wanted my mom so badly in my life- not even thinking what it must have been like for her on her end. I cry when some kid is a jackass to one of mine....ya know?
I had sad, silent tears, not bothering anyone, most of the way home. I looked at all the people on this enormous 747 and heard all the laughing, saw all the tanness, could still smell the sunshine on them, the ocean, and I just hated everything. It was so unfair. I couldn't scream out to them what had happened. I couldn't very well cry out "My baby! My baby is gone, it's gone. It was here and it's gone, all gone, I'm going home and it's all gone..." the way I wanted to. It is so unfair to do that to people, but I really wanted to. I knew that Cullen was hurting too. Life just hurt. Dad came to pick us up from the airport, and he had to give Cullen's brother and wife a ride home also. I could barely breathe, I needed to cry so badly, and the closer we got to mom's, the worse it got. Do you know that feeling? God, I needed my mom, needed her so badly. Dad could see, so he brought me there first before going to drop them off. Thank God for him. We pulled into the driveway and I was already crying. Poor Rick and Tina, I know they felt horrible and helpless. I hadn't even wanted to go to stupid Mexico. I stumbled out of the truck and finally just let it all leave me. I was a sobbing mess when she opened the door. "My baby." was all I could say over and over.
And then some of the most important words, coming from the only person I could hear inside the me of me, came at the only time I could hear them so clearly and loudly, drowning in so much hurt. She looked right at me, made me look at her, and said with more enough love to reach me, very firmly, "Don't you get discouraged!!!!! Don't. Do not get discouraged." And for one zillionth of a second, I felt that first amazing spark. The spark that would keep growing in me until I could break free from the sorrow. She gave me that. I felt the spark of "Fuck you, world! Is that all you got? I'm suposed to break forever now? I'm not DONE yet. You can't break me!" I don't know if she will ever know the life line she threw me when she said that.
I finally got to just cry and just be there, and she asked questions and I answered. Michelle came over, and that was very hard for her. Even today if she cries, I cry. So I know that she really hurt for me, and it was really hard for her to be there.
I was dreading going home because (stupid girl) the last time I was there, I had been pregnant. I had pregnancy stuff everywhere. But here is another miracle. Guess what they'd done while we were gone? They (mom, dad, Chelle) went downstairs and REDID the basement for us. They painted, they put up a border and decorated it. Can you BELIEVE the timing? It might not sound like a big deal, but what I absolutely needed beyond everything and anything was somewhere to be that didn't hurt, and I had a brand new basement to be in. We hung out there for days, Cullen and I.
I am so lucky that so far the big things we've gone through have pulled us together instead of apart. This was definitely one of those times.
It sounds so sad, but do you know what? As sad as it was, I don't think there is any other way that I could have found out how much I really truly love the world. UGH, stupid human words just don't do it justice. I'm sure I've talked about it before. It was amazing to me.
That was the most painful thing that I'd ever experienced emotionally. I had never in my life been that completely raw. I could feel EVERYTHING going on around me. Probably still doesn't make sense. It was almost like being able to feel the actual energy vibrations of everything. Music saved me over and over, and all the love from everyone helped too. But there was still that pulsating pain......and guess what? Opposites.......if I hurt that bad....and I was that open and raw....suddenly, Life kissed me. Scooped me up gently, and whispered "look," to me. So I looked...I happened to be in my car, on the 70th st exit off 100, on my way to work. There was a flower. *Just* a flower. Have you seen a flower when you're on the verge of the black abyss of sadness? I had new eyes! I had never seen a flower until right then. It was blue, and vibrant, all by itself. It was like it was glowing. This perfect flower, reaching toward the sun. Life. Right here. Right now. Perfect life. A butterfly! Glorious butterfly who goes through a transformation so incredibly amazing no one can explain just how it happens. The leaves rustling in the warm wind. Just being. Giving off oxygen in exhange for our carbon dioxide. It was EVERYWHERE. Everywhere I looked, there was this perfect, beautiful, uninterrupted life. *I* was part of it. Life didn't stop. It didn't fail me at all. It was the first time I understood that. I could feel the life energy dancing around. I could feel everyone around me loving me. The smallest things were the big things, and they got me through! The color of the sky in the morning... the clouds, oh my god, the clouds!
And do you know what? What the best gift EVER was? It never stopped. I wasn't required to give the gift of Really Seeing back, so I never did.
I know lots of beautiful souls who took different paths and have arrived at the very same destination. That's another kick ass Life secret that I adore! We can end up in the very same space having come from two different, equally amazing paths. And if I'm really, really smart, I'll want to know everything about your path because I'll get to see even MORE amazing things. This world is so awesome. Even with all the yuck in it.
I'm going to ride some floaty melodies into Neverland until Cullen gets home. Yes, I promise I'm done for the night. Well, maybe. ;)
That was beautiful.
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