Is there a point?

I know SO MUCH and I understand at least as much of everything as I don't....so I don't know why I do this to myself, and I MUST be doing it to myself.

I feel caged and trapped and furious about the fact that I can't be ME out loud fully to ANYONE. Have you realized that? Do any of you who read this...have you actually been completely honest with even ONE other person about EVERYTHING you've done, thought, wanted, wished for? Have you? I supose that No One Has, and that I am just a stupid whiny Leo cat. I feel trapped in this house (which, by the way, has no heat right now. Thank GOD I don't own this house and the new furnace I'll have tomorrow won't cost me a thing!), we live 4 houses from the kids' school and it's stupid to want to move, but I just need to do SOMETHING. I feel stuck in MN because of our families and how much we love them. I feel stuck in this stupid body where I can't even find ONE PERSON to be honest with. Cullen is as close as it comes and that isn't because I've TOLD him all my secrets, it's more because he feels them on some insane level and calls me out, and I deny the things he calls me out on. Seriously. Who's other half warns them "you have to be careful with people, you love everyone so much and you hurt so many because of it." Mine, that's who. I want to be free and I want to fly and I want to stand infront of one person, one person who can know every.little.thing. I've said, thunk or done and have them LIKE ALL OF IT, and UNDERSTAND ALL OF IT. And no, I don't have to say Jesus saved me in order for God to do that, but it wouldn't hurt me one bit to have God materialize right now and remind me that I AM actually free.

Then another thought occurred to me: This is what happens usually before I do SOMETHING! I quite possibly am at my most creative when I'm in this hellish hellhole spiral that almost eats me alive. NOTHING makes sense to me right now NOTHING. And it scares me because *I* don't know what I'm going to do half the time.
UGH.
So look out, bitches. I'm about to break down these walls one way or another. GAH. GET. ME.OUT.OF.HERE.

Did you know we have no heat? Correction- we have space heaters. Furnace out. New one tomorrow, at the expense of our darling owners. :) There goes my plans for owning a house. Who the hell wants to have to pay for that kind of bullshit? And how can i pick up and move if I own a place? I've been researching the wrong things. And I can't move anyway. WTF!