Just being...

There are different ways of just being.
I have times when I desperately wish to be somewhere beautiful where I can just sit and absorb it all, at my own pace, without any time constraints or anyone needing anything from me. Okay, I live in that space fairly often.

Other times, like today- it is different. Today I am just me. I'm not trying hard to fix anything, I don't care overly much about pouring as much love into the world as I can, and I let MFN see me looking just exactly like I do right now, and it ain't pretty. And I don't care. I am just being me, the dulled down, not exuberant, quiet version of me. I'm not taking in a whole bunch of new information and I don't want to. I don't want to listen to music, because I feel just a little disconnected from everything and don't feel reachable or touchable. Not in a bad way, just a ...just being kinda of way. Probably Cullen is the only person who actually doesn't mind me like this- God knows he probably NEEDS me to be this way every once in awhile to give his ears a break. HAHA. I do know something---- I know that I'm not actually that irritating. Every now and then I have to remind him or Michelle or Angie that they'd miss the deafening silence if I were gone but I know that I'm not intolerable. But even so, days like today probably benefit him.

We had a "nice" talk today. He's so much more rational and owns so much more of the craziness he's been spewin on me when I bring it to him instead of him having a meltdown and bringing it to me, again. It was "nice". We'll see if I can make it through the week without doing "something" to set him off. Of course, I know that's all craziness too. Sounds controlling and nutty, which it kinda is, and we'll see if he can keep himself settled down. And in the meantime I'll see if I can find some motivation to read the 5 love languages. I'll probably borrow it out first. I'll read it better if I stop having flashbacks of the All Time Worst relationship I ever had in my life. :) TRUE DAT.

Judy Garland was beautiful and had a beautiful voice. In case you forgot.

Where do you think Heaven is? If it's (motioning) out there somewhere...aren't we already there? We're just another planet floating in the sky, in "heaven".... I am hoping that there is another realm where all our humanness falls away and we can shine as our true selves without the emotion and fear that we carry when we're in a body and need a relative world to deal with.

End of thought.
End of post.
Carry on. :)