HAPPINESS

I'm trying to decide when I'm the happiest. Isn't that fun? You should do it too. I'm learning so much this time around.

I am in a place now where WHERE I am does not matter. This house (which I love, and I honestly have the best neighbors in the universe...they will singlehandedly keep me here longer than I'd stay otherwise), the small townhouse with the huge bedrooms but no living space, Farmington...it doesn't matter where I am. So much. I have so much fun dreaming of the Perfect Location, what it looks like, what it feels like, what the inside of my house there is like, what's in it, what's around it. What the kids do there how it feels to be there. That is so much fun...but home is wherever I am, right? It's ME. It's whatever I do or don't do that makes a nest. It's the people around us. It's the love we have for them, and share with them. It's noticing what is beautiful and amazing right HERE. It's the shade in the backyard, it's the leaves...it's the tireswing swaying in the breeze. It's the hastas....it's the flowers growing out of the tree trunk. I'm going to go get a pic of that and post it for you.

So isn't it all perception? Isn't everything perception? If we can see what's RIGHT HERE, isn't everything...perfect? Isn't the old blue couch comfy and snuggly, the way it cradles you? Isn't my super dirty carpet testament to how many kids run through here all the time? Isn't it wonderful sometimes how my freakin phone doesn't stop ringing and I end up with a LIST of people to call back, and it's all friends and family? Can't we be in heaven whenever we want?
Can we find the spaces between the moments to be grateful and see what's right here in front of us?

Said the girl, who, just last night was laying in bed, crying, thinking "oh please...can't I be done here yet? I want to go HOME. I'm DONEEEEEEEE feeling stuck." But I can talk a good game like no ones business. AND even better, I actually FEEL that way. Know what frustrated me last night? I even know what it was. I started to blog. Cullen came in, saw me on the computer (which he NEVER does because I don't go on it when he's around because he has such a holy effing fit over it), asked what I was doing, and I read what I'd blogged- which was about how I notice weekends are weekends now, and I kinda like it. He got offended that before weekends weren't fun for me even though HE IS HOME then. So I explained to him how waking up and doing all the things I do Mon-Fri on Sat and Sun too made weekends not all that much different than weekdays. He was offended. He sat in silence. For all I know he was starting to not feel well, but that didn't stop him from...well, anyway....so I shut down the stupid computer and said f it, I'd finish it later when he wasn't going to be around to feel jealous of a stupid computer.
And it made me feel stuck and trapped. What kind of bullshit is it that my THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS are criticized like that? Or...I should say I chose to feel criticized. i don't NEED to take anything personally. I could have sat there and finished puking out my head. You'd think he'd appreciate it so he doesn't have to hear it ALL, all the time. Anyway- whatever. I let it make me feel a lack of freedom, which makes me long to be FREEEEEEE from being in a human body. THEN last night, I got to be. It was awesome. Sleep is a great escape sometimes. And today, I feel ALL BETTER. YAY ME! YAY YOU!
Happiness is truly only a thought away. I need to start practicing merely recalling how it feels when I'm not happy instead of giving myself those actual experiences.

Love,
Crazy