Alcohol/I'm Sorry

I know I've posted it before but it's still true: I don't understand Alcoholism.

What I do understand is that you don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic, but you have alcoholism if you can't control how much you drink. If you black out when you drink...if you "need" to have a drink...if you can't sleep when you don't drink...these things are real and they matter.

An "I'm sorry" the next day does NOT make it better. However, I guess I can appreciate knowing that there is remorse in some form...but it doesn't make the things that were said any better, and it doesn't help the irritation of knowing that it's only a matter of time before we get to go through it again.

Now, I'm "lucky" in the way that I don't have to deal with it every day. Anymore. There was a time when I packed up to leave because I was so tired of it. And if it ever gets that bad again, I'm outta here. I don't have the time, energy or patience for someone to be alcohol's bitch. And I don't have the patience for the drunken driving and endangering my children, other people's children or the person whose drinking's life. That's the most horribly irresponsible thing in the whole universe.
AND, I'm sad to say, I'm finding myself judging here. I find it a little bit sad and weak, that people can't "control" themselves or are not strong enough to just NOT DRINK. Right? Judgemental much? I'm not an alcoholic though so what do I know? I don't smoke. I regularly go days on purpose without coffee. I don't know what it feels like to need an escape so badly that I have to have drinks and get myself in a certain state. I should not judge what I don't understand, but it's hard.

Especially when I'm the one who catches it when he has too much to drink.

Again- he doesn't get like this every day, so that's a good thing. And USUALLY he doesn't attempt driving when he does. I know some people drive as part of the deal because they are out drinking, or think nothing of driving after drinking. Cullen's had 2 times (that I'm aware of) of drinking and driving in recent months...and only ONE of those times did he actually drive. It is gross to me. The way the eyes get glassy and can't focus...the tone of voice he takes....how he can't remember where he was sleeping and goes elsewhere if he gets up to pee.

THANK GOD it isn't all the time. I don't have the time or energy for that. He can choose his family or he can choose alcohol.

I just don't get it.

Anyway, today was a great day. AWESOME day. And it's going to be a great night! And I'm HUNGRY!!! YAY!