I am full of it today! There is so much IN here that it might be too much to type, and it's almost certainly all crap I've blogged before. But in order to save Cullen from having to hear it all, I'll do my best.
Item number one Eating Me Up: I either put a LOT of pressure on myself or else my boss helps with that and either way- I CAN'T WAIT TO BE DONE HERE!!! I was feeding the kids this morning and I missed an IM asking for an IRPL (don't worry, it doesn't matter what it means. For fun we'll say it means I Really Piss Long). It was 15 minutes later so he asked AR for it, and she did it. Our boss has her so afraid to do it that I got a message saying DON'T TELL JJJ, BUT I DID THE IRPL FOR YOU. And I just flipped out. I'm SO TIRED of not being able to just take care of the kids without worrying about JJJ! I miss ONE IRPL request and suddenly we're all undercover? I told AR that I don't CARE if JJJ knows. He can bite me if he's going to get mad about it. I'm DONE WITH THAT FEELING. DONE. I'm almost over that though. Almost. I have 6 more days here. I'm not counting Friday because Friday will be nothing but FUN.
Item number two Eating Me Up: Cullen's request that I "GET SICK" and hang out with him at home. Like I don't feel enough pressure to be here and do everything as soon as I can for JJJ, and now he's going to throw some pressure on me to GET SICK? He was mad that I took 2 half days instead of full days to be with him this week. Whatever. Inflexiblity and control make me CRAZY.
Item number three Eating Me Up: I truly don't understand why people bother having children. Most people that I tell that I'm going to finally be able to be home without having to worry about work also say "I couldn't do that." What did they have kids for? How did we get to be okay with seeing them for a few hours every day? When they are 5 they go away to school anyway and then someone else sees them more than we do anyhow. How do people have a baby, and a month and a half later leave that baby with someone else all day long? I think that Westerners have it all jacked up. We insist that we have to have both parents working because we have "lifestyles" to keep up, or sometimes people are just *exhausted* by their children. They ARE a lot of work! People who stay home HAVE TO have an outlet that includes alone time, and time with other adults, but I just don't get how we got to this place where the *norm* is for mothers and fathers to not be able to be with their OWN OFFSPRING! it's so funny to me, I'm getting the most support from working fathers..they are all full of "GOOD for you!" comments. Except for my one sweet friend that wants nothing more than to be home with her baby but she "can't"...I know those were tears in her eyes when I said to the room full of people "We get one chance to be with our kids before the school gobbles them up and keeps them." And I felt bad because I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. This leads to ...
Item number four Eating Me Up: I'm tired of people being "stuck". They think they don't have options! THERE ARE OPTIONS TO EVERYTHING!!! We can live where we want. We can work where we want (unless we have so many limitations on the type of job we'll take that we stomp out opportunites left and right), we can do what we want. I DO realize that I don't think like a "normal" person--- perhaps a person that is too afraid of recessions and "the economy" to dare to dream or go after something they want, but why is it that we can do these things and not fall on our faces? Is it our perception of our experiences? Mothers hearts break when they leave their babies with someone else for the first time, but we don't take that as a sign, we decide that if we break our hearts enough, we'll get used to it, and we do. And before we know it, after a long weekend, we are dying for our kids to go away again. :( Sometimes the kids wear me out, but mostly I think they are a load of fun and I learn more from them than they do from me anyday! So many people are stuck in the illusion that there's NOT enough of anything, and that we have all these NEEDS and I see things SO DIFFERENTLY. .....and that, my friends, brings us to
item number five Eating Me Up: RELIGION. I'll make this all about me for a second. I'll tell you what God does NOT do for me, or to me. She does not throw more things in my path for me to jump over or make decisions about. He does not direct me here, there or anywhere. He doesn't even have a preference about where I go or what I do. *I* get to make those decisions, and She supports me. *I* get to pick where I want to work, and live. If I make a concious decision about something, I have noticed that my sidekick always comes through. As long as I do what I can with what I have, my contributions towards my goal are more than matched. And I'll go one step further and say that I can hear angels singing everytime one of my (our) wishes and dreams is made manifest. AND sometimes I'm so good that I manifest things in a VERY short amount of time. You should see everything that's come. I have everything I need for daycare, cept for the child proofing stuff, and none of it was mine. It just arrived...a swing, bouncy seat, high chair, clothes, a DOUBLE STROLLER...and I love to PIECES the darlings that gave them to me. THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!! A swingset, the railings for the stairs are appearing (I LOVE MY DAD!!!)....everything is just going perfectly. And I expect that it will continue to. See? it must be our perception and perspective of what is going on. I don't feel like I'm being taken for a ride by God. I feel like I'm blazing a trail and She's cheering me on and showing me even MORE of what is possible. If I act from the place of We Are All One and Do Unto Others (and why wouldn't I do that if we are all one and the same?)...I'm not helpless and I don't feel helpless and I'm sad when people feel helpless. I'm even sadder when people are convinced that God makes mistakes.
I sent my thank you note to MFVP yesterday and he liked it, and I feel so much better that I finally got to tell him SOME of how I feel about him and working for him.
There is a lesson here for me, about pressure and where it REALLY comes from. I can choose to NOT feel pressure. I can choose to relax and especially now. In fact- I COULD be wrong about this, but it seems like while 2 up and even 1 up are still acting like I'm not leaving ---I just mean this in the sense that I'm still to go to meetings that don't make a difference for me, esp in the last few days, and I'll start taking calls from the UK next week even though it's for a few days and then someone else will need to...3 up...MFVP seems fairly surprised and happy when he sees that I've still showed up each day. Maybe he isn't, because of COURSE I will show up til my last day. He tells me to stop glowing with happiness. I'm off the hook next Friday after lunch. it's just interesting, is all.
I want to hug the world! I just can't WAIT! For EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING! And for what it's worth, I like being in the office today. I'm enjoying my friends properly. Go Team Crazy!
I loved this post!
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