Is I'm Sorry that hard to say?

I want to know- is it really that hard to say?
Some people don't have a hard time saying it when it's appropriate.
BUT for other people, to say "I'm sorry" would be admitting to a "wrong" doing, it would be acknowledging that our (their) actions affect others and that they hadn't considered the others when acting, and no sirreee! NOT APOLOGIZING. Can't go *there*!

Why is that?

My husband grew up in a fairly severe alcoholic family. They weren't abusive. Maybe not nearly as attentive to their children, but not abusive. Loving even. For the most part. Every kid has a story of how his parents let him down, right?
The alcoholism extends further than just his parents- his paternal grandparents, great aunts, etc. And I see it in his siblings too. I have no idea if it's a choice or if it's in our blood, but it's a thing, and it's real.
My husband can't NOT drink. Oh, sure, he will go 2 weeks to prove it to me that he can "stop" drinking, but that's about it. My dad and the other Chuck drink also and he loves to have drinks with them. This is for more than just the "taste", of course. I'm sure it "relaxes" him, in a way that he clearly can't "relax" by himself. Buzzes are fun! I know that. Everyone knows that, but what does it mean when you NEED it? Why isn't family important enough to stop drinking for?? And honestly- is endangering your life and the people around you's lives THAT important? Clearly that is not at the top of the list of important things or people would stop being stupid and thinking they can drive after 4 or 6 drinks. or 3, for that matter. 3 would lay me out flat.
I don't get it.
I don't CARE about a couple of drinks, a couple times a week. I care when it's every night. I'm NOT STUPID- which is the other irritating thing...when I'm treated like I'm stupid. Like I don't know he's had a good amount to drink. Like I don't know that half the fun of sitting out in the man cave is the drinking aspect. I'm not STUPID, so don't act like I'm stupid. I don't make a big deal out of it when IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
Why can't people be accountable for their actions? If we want the people around us to be accountable and responsible for things, why don't we extend them the same courtesy by owning our own shit? When's the last time you said "I admit that *this* is a problem and I need to work on it and may need help working on it." ?
So, in that spirit, I'm digging down to find my "problems". In GENERAL, I don't believe these cause anyone around me, cept for me, grief- but I don't want to be the pot calling the kettle black, you know?
Nicki's List Of Shit To Fix Or At Least Make Better:

1. I still feel really strongly about certain things, and I need to be able to find a way to let others believe how they want to without making them "wrong".

2. I get over things pretty darn quickly, but I wish I could do it even faster.

3. Sometimes I probably hurt other people's feelings without meaning to, because I'm a mouthy Lion. ?

4. I suck with a budget.

5. I don't vote. And I have no need to fix this perceived problem, which is the problem. The USA tells me that I should vote, that it's an honor to vote (and I can see that in some aspects), but I don't believe anyone, ever, and I can't vote for what I don't believe. I believe everyone has good intentions, and no one person has the ability to actually do the things they say they will. Someone else has the power to thwart things they DON'T want passed, and....i can't vote on someone's good intentions when I feel like the system is too broken. AND furthermore, has anyone else noticed that politics and religion are closely entwined also? Not voting. I'm willing to LISTEN though- do I get points for that? Until I hear from someone that I actually believe...not happening. This problem isn't likely going to be fixed. What's going to be interesting though is teaching the kids the process. I'm going to give them every opportunity to get involved and find it fascinating and believe in the system if they so choose.

6. I'm a bitchy PMS-er. This is for sure. I've done all I can nutritionally to help myself (all of us) out, and it's been pretty good, but I still feel it on the inside. MFN got a good look at PMS girl reaching the end of her rope with Halloween on Sunday. I was ready to send them all packin' and stay home in the peace and quiet. And not hand out teeth destroying candy. HAHAHAHAH! I'm SUCH A POOP!

7. Is that a problem? I'm a total Halloween poop, Valentine's day poop, tooth fairy poop, Christmas poop. I mean- I wish I'd never started the tooth fairy bullshit, or the Santa bullshit. If I could do it all over again, I would definitely tell them the TRUTH, and then tell them the story and we could participate that way, which would still be fun without the disappointment of the realization that you've been lied to and the whole country is in on it. Stupid. See? Problem! I'm not normal.

8. Maybe that's my biggest problem! I'm not normal! I don't buy most of the shit that's out there about anything....and I have these kids and I'm suposed to be doing certain things and supporting certain mistruths "for fun". I don't buy it! I'm not normal! *sigh* and there's no changing it....I think I need to go shopping at Michael's and get inspired.

OH! I wrote Jes Lee, who is an artist a thank you note, for his work. I saw it at the Bloomington Center for the Arts and some of it really struck me. You know that feeling you get when something actually reaches out and touches you? I felt a lot of his work. I left there feeling...well, touched, so I told him. He responded, and was quite appreciative. Compliments don't pay the bills, of course, but the intangibles count in some way, don't they?

Speaking of art, I bought some today. Aren't I all sorts of off track today? I went to Target and was UNINSPIRED. I even got pissed and tried to call Cullen to complain that not only was my run on the treadmill a bust, but I couldn't SHOP....so I went to Kohl's...they have a piece that I do like quite a bit, but it's $99. It's buy one get one, but the other piece that I wanted with it was gone. No go. Still pissy, but looked at christmas decorations and that helped quite a bit. Then I went back to Hancock Fabrics...they had a picture there that I loved when I was there a few days ago. It's a picture of a house, lit up and warm looking, with a brook behind it, and wild flowers. The only thing missing is my willow tree, but the colors were perfect and ..I don't know, it was one of those scenes that you FEEL. I felt it. So I went in, and I took it. It was on sale for $49.99. Not bad! She rung it up and said "Well! Look at that! A sale on a sale! Your total is $21.99!"
DID YOU HEAR THAT? I get to look at my pretty scene, I get to disappear into that house, I get to go sit on the bench that no one can see behind the house, by the brook, whenever I want to! Maybe my baby willow tree is back there growing too. YAY ME!

Definitely menstrual, huh? :)