Mom went through the attic this weekend and she found SO MUCH fun stuff. She also came across Rose, Michelle and my school stuff.
She brought over a big pile of stuff. My long hair after my first big haircut (BEAUTIFUL, I might add!)....and then report cards, papers I'd written....and it broke my heart. Broke it, broke it, broke it.
Here's why- I was SUCH a good student. I was a good kid. I was shy, so I didn't cause lots of problems and I loved doing well. Painfully shy, even, but whatever. That gave way to ...hell. My hell. And you can see it in EVERYTHING. It shows in my grades, in the teachers comments, in the way that I don't recall most of the teachers who are on my report cards, in the classes I took an I in because I couldn't go, and all the trauma surrounding all of those classes. An abusive boyfriend, a mean eating disorder, and horrible way of getting attention from boys, having to make decisions that alter everything one way or another. A nightmare. Watching all that potential disappear under a black cloud of self hatred. Could anyone have reached me? COULD THEY? Could any adult have reached in and saved me? Would I have trusted anyone? Would I have let anyone in and believed that they wouldn't tell me how horrible the things I'd done were, the way I heard over and over from other adults that I was suposed to trust? Church said I was a sinner to begin with, and God help the teenager who knew on the inside how GOOD of a person she actually was, but the things I was doing! If I could know NOW what I knew then...and the thing is that I DO NOT BELIEVE that I HAD to go through that to get where I am now. No. The good in me has always been there. I think I did what I could with what I had.
Anyway- so part of seeing that was really, really, really hard.
Then Cullen saved me, again. How many times has he saved me? We were having a different discussion about a book I'm reading called The New Revelations- and how the problem with so many organized religions is that they do just the opposite of what they mean to do- they exclude people. If you don't believe a certain thing, you are wrong and you are excluded. You have to believe a certain thing, a certain way, and show it a certain way in order to be a part of it. And how then the people who obey the rules that are pushed on them then become "right" and therefore "better" than others. I don't buy any of the rules of any religion out there. To me, if you're a Muslim or a Christian or a Jew, you are going right back to God where we came from. And not because you didn't "know better" that your religion wasn't the ACTUAL "right" one, but because the God that I know LOVES everyone and is not an angry, vengeful God that has requirements from people. God is NOT like humans. Anyhow- this feeling in me has always been here, and while I quested throughout my teenage years to find out how God could POSSIBLY love me, I began dismissing ideas that don't feel right at all to me. And yet, religions still said I was bad, that I was "lucky" that God loved me, and if I'd only "see" that Jesus saved me, I could be worthy of that love. And it all ties into the horrible things I was doing at the time.
I hate feeling like some people feel like they are "right" and "better". Enter Cullen, who said "Let them feel like they are right. Let them feel like they are better. I see you and I and our family doing so much good in the world, and it is coming from the LOVE that grows so big in you that you have to share it. You are one with God and it shows in what you say and do and it doesn't matter at all what anyone else says or thinks. " Brilliant! He is brilliant! And he's right!
If I focus on finding ways to share the love I carry with me, nothing else matters! I can call God God, or call God Life or call God Love and it's all the very same thing. I don't have to worry about it. It's a done deal. What happened when I was way back there doesn't even exist anymore. It's gone, it's over and it doesn't matter. It does not shape me, it does not need to affect me ever again. I made it through and that's all. I can honor myself for making it through. I can honor others as they make it through their stuff by being the person who helps. By being the person not afraid to get their hands dirty and then help them clean their own hands off. By going where people don't WANT to go because it's a different space. I receive more than I give, all the time. I have more abundance than I can give away, so I can keep giving it away. I can give in a hundred different ways all the time.
And I LOVE IT!!!!
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