Have you ever decided to get on, say, the Power Tower (that ride is my thing..)...you watch people do it, and you see that they get through it, and you think that you can do it too, and maybe even do it better...so you do it. You get on the ride. And as soon as you're sitting there, you think "Hm. Okay, I take it back. I can live without this experience. I want to get off." But, you can't get off. It's already begun. It lifts you up and up and up...and while part of you is thinking "I hate this!" the other part of you is seeing some really beautiful things...like the view from way the hell up there. Your stomach is in knots because you know what's coming, but because you're screwed already and on the ride, you try to see some of the good things.
Then you get to the top and it stops.
And you know what's coming. And you REALLY wish you didn't have to go through with this, because even though you'll survive, and you'll find a way to laugh, you know you're going to be screaming your head off in 10 short seconds and there's no way you can "get ready" for what you go through when you drop.
That's what this feels like. Jane now has hospice care.
Hospice is for end of life care.
We KNEW, and we KNOW this is coming. This is happening. But it's happening FASTER now. She rarely doesn't have her oxygen on. She struggles all the time and is extremely tired all the time. She makes plans and bails most of the time.
And she's done going to the hospital and to the doctor. There is nothing else they can do for her.
Hospice is WONDERFUL- the services they provide are a blessing. Massage, baths, whatever she wants or needs. If Mike needs a break from making her medicine for her catheter thing, they will come do it. They will talk with her about death and what to expect if she wants. They'll talk about why dogs lick their butts if she wants to. This is WONDERFUL for her. And a reminder to us, that she will not be in her body much longer- which will be a HUGE HAPPY for her and a HUGE OUCH for us.
I'm not ready.
None of us are ready. Are we ever really ready? Even when they are so sick and in pain, how is it that we would choose for them to stay in their body? We're nicer to animals.
What will it feel like when she's not in her body? What will it feel like?????????????? What will it feel like when I can't call her? When she doesn't call me? What will Christmas feel like? Easter? Spring? Summer? Fall? I don't like it. THANK GOD we're such a close family, because every time I think about one of those things, I picture all of us together, and that feels good. I get to see Kimmy and Travis and Caiden every day- THANK GOD! I'm not ready. How will ..how can I help Cullen through this?
On the upside, the brother who barely exists even showed up for the hospice meeting.
What am I going to do? See how selfish this is? HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO THIS????
We are the 2nd call on the list, after Mike (father in law). Because I'm always home or not far from home and available at any time. Do you know what else this means? I have to answer whenever they call now. Sometimes, I don't. Wanna know why? Because sometimes I'm nervous about what the call might be about. So it takes a few minutes to gather myself and then call back to make sure she doesn't need anything.
I CAN'T DO THIS. She won't be sitting in her chair anymore.
She already doesn't do most of what she used to be able to. The little letting go's have picked up, picked up, picked up.
WHAT WILL I DO? How much is it going to hurt when I want to call her to tell her something and she isn't there? I know I can still tell her, and I will, but just to hear her voice....
HATE THIS RIDE.
But- BUT! I am determined to do this the best I can. What that means is that I intend to feel every single inch of this, because I know with the pain and the missing, I WILL be happy she's out of her body and free again. And because the Universe ROCKS, I know that in the pain will also be the most beautiful things, like the outpouring of love (Please, God, let me get those love notes done before it's time...) that will surround Mike, their kids, me, friends and family....I know that. We'll all shine, in love with and for her. And, she isn't gone yet- so we get to keep celebrating her while she IS here (come ON love notes! Get here!), and we can laugh with her and visit her and be glad for her company yet. We can hold eachother closer and tell the people that we love how we feel, remembering to celebrate them NOW.
Yes, there's only one way to do this, and it's to do it all the way, but ...
it sucks a little.
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